Wanted to write a letter to you, but i thought it wouldn't be as good as putting it up here, so i can remind myself (and you can remind me too, if i ever forget or doubt again).
Although i never do say it out loud, i've always thought i deserve the best boyfriend. Who doesn't? Who doesn't want her boyfriend to be loving, to take her out on dates often, who'd be a hopeless romantic? I do and i admit that. I have such high expectations of you, which never occur to me, that these things might just be a tall order for you to fulfil even tho it seems so simple to me. And when i don't get what i want, i get mad with you, i doubt you, i quarrel with you, i question if i'm even within your priorities...we are all not perfect and yet i always expect you to be. I forget that you're not just my boyfriend, i ignore the fact that you're a student already saddled with the burden of having to do well, a teacher to 4 kids, a son, a grandson, a cousin who never hestitates to help whenver there's a need in the family, a part time insurance agent and most importantly, you're the one who's working hard to support us when i fail to have money left to last the week. You're right. I'm always saying you're taking too many tuitions, but without all the money you've earned, where would i be now?
Those hurtful words...
"Your sorry's don't mean anything, they're worthless now 'cos you don't really mean them."
"You make me regret buying the phone for you. Now it has taken my place, you look it at it more than you look at me, you're much more excited being with it than being with me."
They certainly don't sound like they come from a heart full of love. But i said them; they all came from me. Yet i've always believed i'd make the best girlfriend anyone can have and that i'm loving you in the best possible way.
I wish i could really learn from my mistakes. Time and again i've said sorry, only to let the same thing repeat itself. (So are my sorry's worthless too? I bet they are but you never would think or say so.)
I wouldn't ever doubt your love for me again; i wouldn't ever doubt how important i am to you again.
"When I really want 2 play car game, sometimes I would play early in the morning when I wake up 2 off annoying alarms while you are sleeping. I'd huddle 2 the side use my bolster 2 block the lights & go abt my business. or I'd go over to the kitchen, hide next 2 the fridge 2 play. Though I'm not rich, things tt are within my means, things tt I can see you really like or want 2 have or eat, I'd always want 2 get them 4 you. when i plan my schedules, I'd always have you in mind, trying to figure out how best I can accomodate you so that you won't be unhappy that we don't spend enough time together.
But dear, sorry k. I know its not ez being my gf. having to accomodate me so much & having 2 be understanding. Sorry 4 the lack of dates, proper dates where we really go out to enjoy. Sorry 4 my numerous commitments."
Baby, i know you're really trying your best for me. Sorry for not recognizing it, for not acknowledging it, for not appreciating your efforts, up till now.
Thank you for always wanting to give me the best and for trying very hard to do so.
I love you too.
Your Cherie Mol
