I think i've been so pampered that i can hardly take any hard knocks in my life, not that the seemingly minute obstacles i have are worthy of being labelled as hard knocks. Thing is, small stuff gets me down and knowing that i'm so weak just makes it worse. Sometimes i wish i was just a little braver, a little less fearful of things i can't change, a little more confident about myself. And when will i ever be?
Birthdays are always worth looking forward to, yet i'm so bogged down by all the things i have to do and have yet to do that i can't even bear to think about enjoying myself. And what's a birthday when you can't even let loose and enjoy? Maybe i've been putting too much emphasis on birthdays but they've always been special days to me. Can't they always remain special?
And then there's the last semester, the last few months of 6+4+2+4=16 years of education. Why does the last have to be the hardest? 3 mods squeezed into one thesis. Does that mean the worries, the fear, the uncertainty have to be condensed into one concentrated shot of perpetual terror that never goes away? Fear is the biggest disability. Does anyone know that? I do cos i'm so disabled by fear that i can't put my mind to doing anything except to worry and fear.
Still, there are many things to be grateful for. Namely, for mummy who was worried i would be spending the special day alone and offered to keep me company, for you who called me once you got home even though you were so tired you fell asleep while on the phone, for a family that gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside; the kind of feeling i want to come home to all the time.
All over the place, that's where i am.
Cycling in the park by myself with the trees and wind for company, that's where i wanna be.
