days of loving you

Trials and Temptations

2011-04-06T04:15:00.000-07:00

My writing skills have somehow lost me or rather, i've somehow lost all my writing skills. Maybe that's why Mediacorp didn't call. But that doesn't bother me half as much as the impending thesis due date and how far behind i am (am still struggling to piece the analysis together cos its all over the place). What is it that stops me from writing? The fear that my work is just baseless, useless and worthless and that i don't seem to be using any theories to explain or discuss any findings? The daunting number of words and pages i have to write? The inadequacy i keep getting just really puts me off the entire process. Never knew how disabling and destructive fear can be until now. Crippled by fear, i think that's an apt way to describe how i'm feeling now. And its really a vicious cycle. Because i'm so scared, i procrastinate and because the time is tight, the more i procrastinate, the more fearful i become. It never ends and sometimes i even think i'm slowly dying from all this fear. Is it possible to die of fear? But i also know i need to be stronger and i need to keep telling myself that GOD is stronger than all my fears and anxieties added together. But what should i do when its not God whom i don't trust but myself? 15th of April, that's all i'm looking towards now. I can almost taste the sweetness of the liberation. But then again, i wouldn't want it to come anytime soon because i'm nowhere near done. I wanna start making more jewellery and really put my dreams into action by setting up a small online shop to sell all the stuff i've been making and sourcing. I can't wait to go Chinatown again to look for more charms, more ideas, more vintagey stuffs and i also can't wait to design a simple blog to sell my wares. I wanna bake too and my first celebratory bake shall either be strawberry tarts, biscotti or nutella cupcake. I wanna spend more time with my love, going to places with him and just doing stuff with him. I wanna cook for my parents. I wanna watch tv without feeling guilty. I just wanna do all the above without thinking that i really should be staring at the document 24/7. God, I know You won't put me through trials that are too great for me to bear and i also know that only You have the power to pull me through all the obstacles and finish this on time. God, please, please help me to trust that You have given me the resources and skills to write a good paper, that You are in control of everything. Take my hands Lord and make this piece of work Yours.

Its a fine line...

2011-02-22T08:34:00.000-08:00

I think i've been so pampered that i can hardly take any hard knocks in my life, not that the seemingly minute obstacles i have are worthy of being labelled as hard knocks. Thing is, small stuff gets me down and knowing that i'm so weak just makes it worse. Sometimes i wish i was just a little braver, a little less fearful of things i can't change, a little more confident about myself. And when will i ever be?

Birthdays are always worth looking forward to, yet i'm so bogged down by all the things i have to do and have yet to do that i can't even bear to think about enjoying myself. And what's a birthday when you can't even let loose and enjoy? Maybe i've been putting too much emphasis on birthdays but they've always been special days to me. Can't they always remain special?

And then there's the last semester, the last few months of 6+4+2+4=16 years of education. Why does the last have to be the hardest? 3 mods squeezed into one thesis. Does that mean the worries, the fear, the uncertainty have to be condensed into one concentrated shot of perpetual terror that never goes away? Fear is the biggest disability. Does anyone know that? I do cos i'm so disabled by fear that i can't put my mind to doing anything except to worry and fear.

Still, there are many things to be grateful for. Namely, for mummy who was worried i would be spending the special day alone and offered to keep me company, for you who called me once you got home even though you were so tired you fell asleep while on the phone, for a family that gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside; the kind of feeling i want to come home to all the time.

All over the place, that's where i am.

Cycling in the park by myself with the trees and wind for company, that's where i wanna be.

This day.

2010-12-14T10:06:00.000-08:00

This is the day you told me we should talk tomorrow because you're tired. But this was also the day i felt sad and just wanted someone to talk to and i always thought i could count on you to be there.

This is one of the many days where i actually feel that being with you makes me feel bad about myself 'cos everytime we quarrel it seems almost as if it is always my fault, my fault for losing my temper, my fault for being naughty. When two people are together, aren't they supposed to make each other feel good about themselves?

This is the day i actually feel like i shouldn't count on you so much 'cos you can't always be here and you won't always be here. Yet it still feels sad to have to do so.

And i hope this day will pass, soon. Cos all i feel is an empty but heavy heart. How is that even possible?

But this is also the day that i told myself, i must never forget how much my family means to me and i should always put my family first and above all things. Because i've seen how my dad humbly gave his life to us and i know i can never repay him for all that he has done for me.

And i hope that what they say is true, that good people will eventually be rewarded with good things. Cos daddy is the best person i've ever known and if he doesn't get the good things, i don't know what else to believe in already.

Tiny my boy

2010-10-31T09:38:00.000-07:00

I have a boy, a boy who would tell me when I’m unreasonable, or when I’m illogical. Who won’t honey his words and speaks the truth, even when it hurts. A boy who has many friends who can vouch for his great character and selflessness. A boy who has made me learn to laugh at myself, and is capable of making me laugh all the time. He doesn’t buy me branded bags or jewellery. He secretly goes to a shop to buy the shoes I’ve been eyeing and placed it under my bed so that I can have a little surprise before I sleep. A boy who happily paid for my holiday to Taiwan with all the money he earned in months and had no qualms even when he came back extremely broke. I have a boy who doesn’t do everything I tell him to, but when it comes to something really important, I can truly count on him to be there for me. A boy who isn’t a hopeless romantic, but has shed tears for me and because of me. Who has given me a precious part of him, that is so fragile and which he knows I could break. A boy who doesn’t have a car, but still insists on sending me home all the time. A boy I feel so comfortable with that I wanna spend forever with him.

Shrinking tummy

2010-04-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

Its official. My lengendary stomach which used to be an bottomless pit....has shrunk. Sigh. It has shrunk so much that finishing a bowl of noodles takes so much effort now. Eating has sadly become a chore. Thanks Hong Kong. Instead of giving me an enormous weight gain from all your food as many people would think, you have only given me weight loss, a shrunken stomach and a DEEP SENSE of fear. I no longer dare to eat in your food courts (not even your famed Times Square food court that charges ridiculously for a plate of fried rice and guo tie, only to have the customer wake up in the middle of the night to vomit, for 4 times! Not to mention the diarrhoea...) and i'm looking at all your food with fear and apprehension. You've also made me lost some sparks with food as I no longer look at some of them with excitement.

Ahhh, well. Why am I always writing nonsense when i'm supposed to be writing serious stuff like my 2 essays that are due in 9 days time?! I am indeed a leader of tomorrow. Sigh. I. HATE. WRITING. ESSAYS.

On a sidenote, i'm really really looking forward to the 24th of May! :) :) That's when i'd be able to finally see and hug my mol in the Hong Kong International Airport and fly off to Taiwan together with him! Whee~! And then its home sweet home on the 3rd of June:) Till then, i have to slog and slog for the coming exams and essays...

And why does my baby have to go for reservist in Oct?! That would only mean i can't see him as often then:(

The Food List

2010-04-08T07:12:00.000-07:00

Haha! Tiny tan gave me this inspiration, by telling me, we'd go eat the 85 porridge when i get back home! So here's a list that i'm just gonna add on, everytime i have a craving for sg food...

Its gonna be long!

(not ranked in order of importance!)

1.) Botak jones caijun chicken and crispy fish, with spicy fries and cheese baked potato

2.) Ah balling @ 85

3.) Pork porridge @ 85

4.) Carrot cake @ 85 or the one at Bedok Interchange

5.) Bak chor mee @ Bedok Interchange

6.) Ampang yong tau foo (i really like the fried tau kee!)

7.) Fu lin yong tau foo aka the most unhealthy yong tau foo

8.) DURIANS!! At Geylang!! :) :)

9.) Scissors cut curry rice

10.) Satay bee hoon @ East Coast hawker centre

11.) Barbeque chicken wings (preferbly from east coast too;P )

12.) Goodwood park durian cake! (dear, can we get tis for ur birthday? Heh.)

13.) The mifen at the Chinese restaurant near church (forgot the name of the place la, but i love their chili sauce!)

14.) Mee siam and popiah from QiJi!!

I miss Mum and Dad

2010-04-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

This food poisoning incident totally ruined the entire week for me:( Been feeling sick, tired, nauseous and angry, that i can't concentrate on my work cos of my pain. Bah!

At least i feel slightly better now.

And i miss home terribly. Yes, its only less than 2 more months before i get back, but it seems so long to me. I miss mum and dad, miss going to the airport for dinner with them, miss going grocery shopping with them, miss having breakfasts at Macs or at tamp with them:( :( Will definitely do more of these when i get back home. And cook more often for them as well, since they'd both be so tired by the time they get home.

Sometimes i feel really ashamed of myself when i think about how i used to doubt that my parents love me. Let this be a reminder to myself, how much my parents love me and how much they have sacrificed for me.

I miss you, mum and dad. Thank you for everything you've done for me and for always being there.

Roomy thoughts

2010-03-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

I wish my room would look like that. So quirky and cool, the bed would totally feel like a throne, like i'm up in the sky:) And the stairs, i'd buy flower vines from Daiso to twirl them around. Did i mention i love the underground cupboard/wardrobe?? Could keep all my beads, buttons, craft paper, ribbons and all my other barang there. Oh! And the elevated desk!! Another dreamy element to the entire room. This design would save so much space! But i'm guessing it won't come cheap:( :(

I wish someone would come and revamp my room for me, just like the shows on channel 8 and the debbie travis show on channel 5. MY ROOM NEEDS A REVAMP SO BAD!!! Would love to have sky like walls too, the baby blue kind with faint white clouds over it??

Now everything i wanna do has to do with money. Money money money. Why can't it fall down from the sky??!!

:( :( :( Wish my fantasy room would come true.

A Silly Quiz for A Silly Pol

2010-03-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

Found this really cool quiz like thing on a blog that i was reading and i thought, hey, why not do it to let Tiny know what i REALLY think of him! Hahaha! So here goes:

The Great Couple Meme: Des and Cher edition

Tell us about the first time you met and your first impression of him/her:

Ah beng cos he was wearing a shirt that screams ‘I’m an ah beng!’! Hahahaha! I’m not lying, but that was really what i felt when i first met him.
Well, actually i met him when i first met when ex boyfriend-_- We were planning to meet after talking on msn for sometime and when we finally met up at Tampines Mall, we went to Century Square, the foodcourt at the basement (ages ago, the foodcourt was at the basement, not the top floors) and there came the Ah Beng. Haha! I was thinking to myself, “Who’s this guy who thinks so highly of himself?!” I was seriously, very Unimpressed. Haha! Talk about good first impressions.
Apparently, he didn’t have a good impression of me either, even tho my ex boyfriend did tell me once that this ah beng thought that i was quite cute (not sure if its true).

What’s a weird habit or quirk that s/he has?:

HE LIKES TO BURP IN MY FACE! URRGHH! Plus he likes to stink up my room with his legendary farts. And oh, he is a clean freak. He doesn’t allow anyone to sit on his bed if they haven’t bathed or changed out of their dirty clothes. Sadly, I have been influenced by him and am like that too.

What makes him/her sad?:
When he thinks about his ex girlfriend. Hahahaha! No la, he was only sad when he thot abt her in the past. Hmm, now he’s only sad when i say hurtful stuff to him or when he has to take $ from his mum, cos he doesn’t like to have to take money from her. My tiny is an independent and very sensible boy;)

What makes him/her angry?:
When i say bad words (like the f word and many others), cos he thinks that girls shouldn’t say such things.

What excites him/her?
Racing life, his online friends and their quirky conversations, all the games and apps he downloads on the iphone. And, numbers? He’s striving to be a statistician ma.

Tell us something funny about him/her:
He has the biggest buck teeth i’ve ever seen and yet he’s the most handsome man i’ve ever seen:)

What’s s/he like at home?
HAWT! Hahaha! Cos he’s topless and he wears very short FBTs that makes him look like a sexy cupcake.

What’s s/he like at work/school?:
Crazily hardworking cos he’s in the midst of all the ATs. Thankfully he doesn’t look like the ATs at all.

Describe his/her room:
Neat and sunny. His windows are right in front of his bed so the sun really shines right in. I love that.

What’s his/her best friend like?
Er, my ex boyfriend? HAHAHA! So weird. Let’s just say his best friend is totally different from him. Worlds apart.

Do you know who s/he hates the most?
Nah, he always thinks hate is too strong a word so i don’t think he hates anyone.

Have you met his/her exes?:
Nope and i’m not intending to. Whatever for?

Do his/her parents like you?
Hmm, this is a tough question. I’m really not sure. Maybe not? Cos his mum is really thrifty and i think she kinda knows that i’m a shopaholic and i love to buy clothes, bags, shoes..etc. And there was this time, one of his relative asked if we were gonna get married and have kids soon (i was only 19 and he was only 22) and his mum said, “Of course not! My son is still so young!”. If he’s young, then what about me? Wouldn’t i have more to lose if we had a kid then? But i guess its normal that a mother loves a son so much she doesn’t think about anyone else.

What’s the first thing s/he would do or say if s/he fell down and scraped their knee:
“Shit! /Ta ma de! (his current favourite phrase)”

What would s/he do in an emergency situation with other people involved?:
Take charge of the situation and lead everyone out of trouble. He’s a great leader i must say and i’m probably not the only one who thinks so.

Which shop would s/he spend the most time at in a shopping mall?:
Hmm, a shop with a television that’s showing the live telecast of EPL/World Cup/Champions League? If he’s out with me in the malls, he’d just stand outside and play on his iphone or psp.

What would s/he have for a typical breakfast?
Haha! I know this one! He would have roti prata for breakfast every morning if he could!

Where would s/he want to go for dinner?
Bedok camp/Bedok interchange/85 market cos its cheap. HAHAHA! He’s a wuhua boy if you know what i mean. He loves value for money things.

What kind of movie would s/he choose at the cinema?
Action flicks which i hate=.=

Describe his/her taste in music:
Sappy love songs. He just likes to make himself emo or sad by listening to sad songs. Weird right? Oh, he loves listening to 933.

If s/he wasn’t going out with you, who would s/he be going out with?
His friends. As in, if he’s not out with me, he might be with them or he might be in the stats lab doing his work. But if its in terms of dating, i would say “no one”. Cos even he knows, that there’s no one else who would love him as unconditionally and sacrificially, as i would:)

What item in his/her wardrobe would you like to burn:
His many lok kok t-shirts and this white pants that makes him look like a clown! But i better not la, cos he’s eagerly waiting to burn my entire wardrobe!

What is s/he good at?
Many things! Scolding people (he even scolds people when he sleeps! Sleepscolding! Not sleeptalking!), teaching difficult maths/stats concepts, playing games (he’s been owning me in every single game we play) and being a role model. That’s right. Just how many girls have boyfriends who make them wanna be a better person each day? I’m happy to say that I’m one of the lucky few.

What is s/he totally horrible at?
Hanging clothes. He doesn’t even spread them out properly la! But that’s such a minute thing. Oh, he sucks at being romantic. Really. HAHA!

What’s something about him/her that is annoying/infuriating?
Checking on that iphone/racing live acct/pets live acct ever so often. And his thinking that i’m always out to find fault in him.

What’s something that you two fundamentally disagree on?
That I am pretty. I don’t think its true but he does.

What’s something that you two agree whole-heartedly on?
That he is the most handsome man in the world. HAHA!

Is s/he possessive?
Totally. He HATES it when other guys look at me (my chest really). Hate is an understatement in this case cos the fury in his eyes are just...beyond description. You’ll have to see it to know.

Why would s/he succeed in life?
Cos he’s really determined and focused. But because life isn’t all about money and academic success, I think he’s will truly succeed because he has a big heart that is full of love for others and he’s never a self-centred person. And again, many would agree with me on this.

What is the coolest gift that s/he has ever given you?
A yummilicious chocolate cake which he baked for me for my very first birthday which we celebrated together. Could you make it again for me please? :)

What does s/he avoid at all costs?
Wasting time. He hates to waste time.

What does s/he spend the most money on?
Buying me things. Yes, he would rather spend on me than on himself. That’s how sweet he is.

Describe his/her typical Sunday
Going to Wesley, going for tuition, go home to study then maybe some badminton with his friends and then dinner.

Why would s/he be dangerous?
Cos he’s a muscular commando leh! Don’t play play with my boyfriend! Later he squash you into meat pie then you know! =P

What’s something about him/her that would surprise all of his/her friends?
That he has some hair growing near his belly button? And that he buys toto sometimes? HAHAHA!

What do you love most about him/her?
His heart. The way he puts others before himself all the time, the way he forgives and forgets so easily, the way he makes me want to be a better person. I can never find another man who’s such a great soulmate.

The biggest lesson you have learnt from loving your soulmate:
Always tell that someone that you love them. I did and look what joy it brought me:)

1st Jan, 2007.

2010-01-14T08:04:00.000-08:00

Strange, but i've never written anything about this day before...until now. Its supposed to be a start to a new year ahead but to me, that day only brings back pain, the pain of having to watch someone you love so much, drifting away day by day. It was the first time i watched someone i loved so dearly, pass away right in front of me. The days that followed were denial and even more pain. I only remember waking up, thinking it was all a dream, that she was still somewhere near, just that i couldn't find her. And today, it came back again, the same feeling that she's not gone, she's still here, somewhere.

I knew i wanted to take that module cos i wanted to learn how to deal with cancer, death and bereavement, issues that were so real and prevalent in our daily lives, issues we all know about but choose not to talk about it cos we're so afraid about it. Yet i didn't know it would hit me so hard in the face, that it would bring all the painful memories back once again. And i wasn't at all prepared, to have those feelings dug out again, to have to relive those memories. It was terrible. Feel like a coward cos i refuse to face it despite wanting to take this very useful course.

I don't even want to talk about it now.

The first exchange post

2010-01-06T07:40:00.000-08:00

Another day in HK, another day spent walking against the freezing winds and many stairs to get to school. Why are all the universities i've been to, built on hills? NUS, HKU, maybe people think better on hills. And i think its so cold here cos we're on a hill.

Tho i was really homesick as soon as i left the airport to catch the plane here, there are many things to be thankful for. Firstly, for my great buddy who has been nothing short of a great help. She's been so patient and helpful. And also, the s'porean friends, esp Jeanette. Its really good to know i'm not alone and its also great to have someone to accompany me to the supermarket down the hill, walk to school and explore hk together. We had a great time at causeway bay today. Took 23 from school to causeway bay to explore. It only took 20mins to get there. And when i got down, i was so surprised to see the mall that mummy and daddy and i went, the last time we were in HK. So since i was familiar with the place, i brought Jeanette to this pork chop rice place to eat. It was the same place that my bro brought us to, last May. Kind of nostalgic to be there. Kept telling Jeanette where me and my family sat, what we ate. Guess i really miss home. Then, we walked around and went to Sogo and we walked right into a Kate Spade sale. Hmm, it seems that everytime i'm in HK, there's a Kate Spade sale. Saw a nice bag, but it was HKD$2360. Was so close to buying it but thankfully i didn't. Have decided to look around more beore deciding. Then we went to mango and they were having a sale too. Bought a knitted dress for HKD$129. Was thinking of getting a blazer too, but it cost S$50, so i didn't. It sure did feel like i'm on a holiday.

Really feel like going back for the new year, but that'll mean i have to fly back alone and having to bid the people i love, goodbye again. Don't know if i can bear that.

Feeling quite tired already but i need to stay up cos i wanna skype with my baby. Tiny tan, please get home safely and soon. I'm waiting.

Meanwhile, here's my love to everyone back in Singapore. Home is really where the heart is and i think my heart will always be in Singapore.

ARGH-ness

2009-12-18T22:58:00.000-08:00

I think i really have a knack of expressing myself thru words.

Whoever came up with the word 'sian' is a genius, a real genius. He/she must be a mind reader if not how did he/she came up with a term that so aptly describes the feelings of so many people? Pro pro pro...i wanna be one too and come up with a term like this.

So much i HAVE to do and so much that i WANT to do but i can't. There's nothing to look forward to, i'm not even looking forward to the 5th. I just wanna laze on the bed with you and not have anything to do. To admire you, to smell you, to just be with you and be away from the entire world.

I wanna tear my hair out in frustration. But about what? I don't even know it myself. Just feel so...absolutely SIAN. ABOUT EVERYTHING.

Don't wanna start packing (tho i only have 16 days to pack 5 months worth of stuff), don't wanna do up the blog, don't wanna celebrate Christmas, don't wanna do anything i have to and am supposed to do. Damn the responsibilities. I hate it. Angsty me.

Wanna go on a picnic with you (tough cos of the bad weather and your FYP), wanna cook every single dish i can think of (that would mean buying many exotic ingredients and spending loads of money. But i'm a pauper now, remember?), wanna go cycling with you every day, eat frolick yoghurt and wrestle with you and just laugh the entire day away with you. And of course, reading every issue of 8 days and watching all the old shows, Rachel Ray on TV.

I FEEL SO SO SO SIAN thinking about what i wanna do but can't.

I can only plop myself on the bed and shout a big "ARGH" now.

What a sian-sation.

Feels like home to me

2009-11-09T09:02:00.000-08:00

Feels like home by Edwina Hayes

Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself in your arms
There’s somethin’ in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feelin’ lasts, rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long i’ve been so alone
If you knew how i wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you’ve done

It feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like i’m all the way back where i come from
It feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like i’m all the way back where i belong

Window breaks down along the street
And the siren wails, in the night
But i’m alright, cos i have you here with me
And i can almost see through the dark there is light
If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long i’ve waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that i’d love anyone so much

It feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like i’m all the way back where i come from
It feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like i’m all the way back where i belong

Feels like i’m all the way back where i belong

This is a song for you. A song that sings of the love we had for the past 35 months. There's more to go but i'm just really thankful we came so far.

I love you mol. ;)

Its hard for me to say i'm sorry

2009-09-26T23:23:00.000-07:00

Wanted to write a letter to you, but i thought it wouldn't be as good as putting it up here, so i can remind myself (and you can remind me too, if i ever forget or doubt again).

Although i never do say it out loud, i've always thought i deserve the best boyfriend. Who doesn't? Who doesn't want her boyfriend to be loving, to take her out on dates often, who'd be a hopeless romantic? I do and i admit that. I have such high expectations of you, which never occur to me, that these things might just be a tall order for you to fulfil even tho it seems so simple to me. And when i don't get what i want, i get mad with you, i doubt you, i quarrel with you, i question if i'm even within your priorities...we are all not perfect and yet i always expect you to be. I forget that you're not just my boyfriend, i ignore the fact that you're a student already saddled with the burden of having to do well, a teacher to 4 kids, a son, a grandson, a cousin who never hestitates to help whenver there's a need in the family, a part time insurance agent and most importantly, you're the one who's working hard to support us when i fail to have money left to last the week. You're right. I'm always saying you're taking too many tuitions, but without all the money you've earned, where would i be now?

Those hurtful words...
"Your sorry's don't mean anything, they're worthless now 'cos you don't really mean them."
"You make me regret buying the phone for you. Now it has taken my place, you look it at it more than you look at me, you're much more excited being with it than being with me."
They certainly don't sound like they come from a heart full of love. But i said them; they all came from me. Yet i've always believed i'd make the best girlfriend anyone can have and that i'm loving you in the best possible way.

I wish i could really learn from my mistakes. Time and again i've said sorry, only to let the same thing repeat itself. (So are my sorry's worthless too? I bet they are but you never would think or say so.)

I wouldn't ever doubt your love for me again; i wouldn't ever doubt how important i am to you again.

"When I really want 2 play car game, sometimes I would play early in the morning when I wake up 2 off annoying alarms while you are sleeping. I'd huddle 2 the side use my bolster 2 block the lights & go abt my business. or I'd go over to the kitchen, hide next 2 the fridge 2 play. Though I'm not rich, things tt are within my means, things tt I can see you really like or want 2 have or eat, I'd always want 2 get them 4 you. when i plan my schedules, I'd always have you in mind, trying to figure out how best I can accomodate you so that you won't be unhappy that we don't spend enough time together.

But dear, sorry k. I know its not ez being my gf. having to accomodate me so much & having 2 be understanding. Sorry 4 the lack of dates, proper dates where we really go out to enjoy. Sorry 4 my numerous commitments."

Baby, i know you're really trying your best for me. Sorry for not recognizing it, for not acknowledging it, for not appreciating your efforts, up till now.

Thank you for always wanting to give me the best and for trying very hard to do so.

I love you too.

Your Cherie Mol

VENT VENT VENT!

2009-09-25T10:24:00.000-07:00

I HATE HATE HATE writing essays. Writing essays are a pain, a huge, huge pain. Its even worst than constipation but somewhat similar.
And this stupid one about changing trends in homosexuality, started on monday and i'm no where near finishing it in the wee hours of Sat morning:( :( :( just how many more times do i have to constipate to get the stupid 6 pages out! HATE writing, HATE explaining myself, HATE have to look for evidence to prove myself, HATE THE WHOLE D*** THING! Whoever came up with this idea of writing essays as a form of assessment?! The only thing i've learnt from it is how to deceive others and myself into believing things which i'd rather not think about.

Just yesterday, i was just staring into space while waiting for the bus and i thought about what i really really wanted to do, what i really would love to do as a job. I'd love to cook and eat, i'd love to have think of new recipes, to feast my eyes on aisles and aisles of fresh food, letting my mind go wild with the endless possibilities of things i can come up with, i'd gladly do it as my job. But i guess being a chef has its fair share of hard work too. Getting scolded or man-handled when you don't do your job well, being able to stay calm in the midst of a hurricane of frantic nerves because you have to cook for a hundred people (i don't even think i can cook for 10 people without throwing my pots and pans at them in frustration). Yet cooking really beats having to write endless papers, killing millions of trees in the process. I'm a coward for not having courage to pursue my dreams. I'm ignoring my dreams and working towards being a slave for money. And that's what everyone around me would tell me to do if i ever told them about my dream. They'd laugh to my face and ask me, how much money will you make then? Like how much money i have will be equivalent to how happy i would be. Then again, money can really do wonders. It can buy my loved ones a good life, it can buy my parents an early retirement, it can even buy my kids (if i have) a better future and even their dreams. Sometimes the world isn't as bright and hopeful as we'd like it to be.
Bottomline? I JUST REALLY ABHOR HAVING TO WRITE ESSAYS. I procrastinate, I write a few lines and start straying away. I could cry.

Craving for some nice, smooth and tasty porridge with cuttlefish and some chwee kueh. Comfort comfort food.

And life should really just be about loving you, cooking and eating great food (without getting BIG arms and bigger boobs), finding nice trinkets, making notebooks and hairbands, sleeping in on rainy days, having breakfast in bed, finding great bargains and cheap finds, buying nice dresses and drinking hot chocolate with melted marshmallows:)

For the sweetest cupcake.

2009-09-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

I truly believe i have the most handsome man in the world for a lover:)

Even though i don’t really fancy the way he styles his hair (there’s lots of room for improvement here:P)
Even though his legs are much slimmer and toned than mine.
Even though he has one of the smelliest farts in the world (and my nose seems to be ultra sensitive to his farts really.)
Even though he has one of the biggest buck teeth i’ve ever seen.
Even though he has dark eye rings.

All these just fade away into nothingness when i see him smile or when he sleeps.
And its not just the way he looks, but the way he makes me feel.
He’s the only one who can make me so mad i would do unimaginable things; he’s also the only one who can make my heart smile. He’s the only one who can make me feel alot better just by saying ‘I really do understand how you feel, Cher”.

Most of all, he’s the only one who can forgive me time and again for being so selfish, for hurting him, for walking away from him, for hurling unreasonable accusations at him, for ignoring him when he tries to pacify me, for saying hurtful things...for breaking his heart again and again.

I’m lucky i’m in love with a selfless, faithful, tolerant man who also happens to look as good as he is on the inside!

For the lack of updates...

2009-08-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

Was just looking thru a friend's photos which she took when she was in HK and it got me fantasizing about the time tiny would come to find me next year after he finishes his last sem in NUS. Ahhhh....that's like the best thing out of the exchange. We both get to tour HK together! Just US!! :) :) :) I'm so happy just thinking about it. We can have dim sum every morning, go to the nice, cozy place that serves fantastic banana cinnamon waffles in Fa Yuen street, conquer all the crazy rides in Ocean Park, eat seafood! and maybe even go further to Japan since its so much cheaper to go from HK since its so near, oh and Taiwan!!! But that'll mean we have to SAVE SAVE SAVE right now. And greedy me just wants to eat all the dian xiao er, hokkaido sashimi, sizzler and blah blah blah. In the end, it'll all be worthwhile. I really can't wait. Oh, and maybe we could buy a giant Stitch back so he can hug Lil' Scrump scrump;)

But that's about the only thing about the exchange i'm looking forward to. Cos i know i'd miss everyone and everything (except the warm and humid weather) when i leave for HK. The food, the family, the friends, the love of my life, the crazy cousins (i hope they keep their word and come over to visit me) and most importantly, I'M GONNA MISS CNY and i'd probably have to spend it all by myself, without a nice home-prepared steamboat:( and my birthday too :( :(

Why am i even thinking about these things when i still have a sem to slog thru before the exchange materialises???! Ah, but its not really that far...like i've said to tiny, its only 5 months to when i'd be leaving for exchange. And very soon, when the exams are over for the semester, i'd have to start packing my humongous luggage if i do want to leave on time and bring everything i need with me. That'll leave me with just one month to spend all the time i can with tiny and my parents before the exchange begins.

I NEED TO START SAVING NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.

Maybe you don't know, but it really feels good to be appreciated when i'm extra nice to you;)

small words, big effect

2009-07-28T11:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry baby, for taking it all out on you when it really isn't your fault at all. you didn't hurt me, you didn't upset me, you just wanted to talk to me, to cheer me up like you always would and i just keep on ranting at you, saying you don't understand me and how i feel but you do, you're the person who does so, the most. out of all the sorrys are just even more sorrys. and i just miss you so much.

and when you left after lunch today, seeing you walking off to go back to work, it only made me feel more lonely than ever; it brought me back to the very reason why i was upset. but i really do appreciate it, appreciate the fact that you made the effort to meet me for lunch, just to spend a little more time with me so i wouldn't dwell so much on it. it was just an hour but i truly felt happy.

when things happen, the only place i want to be is right beside you, where i'd feel safe and protected(so much for not needing your protection. its the only place i won't get judged. its the only place i feel truly loved for what i am and not what people want me to be. its the only place my tears will get dried by you, my pain can be felt by you. and its only beside you.

don't want to ask, don't even want to let things be explained or words to be taken back. its pointless. just let it be. heck i don't even want to explain myself cos there's no point trying. its been laid out so clearly, there's no need to ask for clarifications. just let it be and let the wound be there, let it never heal, let me never forget; i just DON'T WANT to do anything about it. just let it be and let me be.

i was determined to stay but maybe i should just leave.

Its been a long while.

2009-07-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since i last typed an entry about you. You, who made start this blog in the first place. And even now, after all these years, the title of the blog still holds true... the days of loving you, it aptly describes the past 31months we've had together.

It was a tough week for us...tiredness, frustration, anger, hurt all rolled up in a span of two days... it was almost too much to bear and i probably cried too many times (short spurts but nonetheless painful). And here we are, at the end of the week, still surviving, perhaps even stronger than ever since what doesn't kill us can only make us stronger. That's exactly how i feel towards us now.

We've never had to go through the NS days as a couple and you were saying this reservist thing was almost like it... and it was bad enough for me. Haha, i guess i only saw the sweet part (where i make you stuff to bring in to eat, take care of you when you came out) but the sufferings of an NS-man's girlfriend, was something i never saw myself having to go through; i didn't even know they exist (which was why i always thot girls who broke up with their NS boyfriends were unfaithful heartbreakers). Now i know better than to judge. Pining all week for their boyfriend to book out, only to have him come back to you, all tired and unable to do anything else except sleep or nua at home. And you feel bad for expecting him to do more with you cos you know he has had a tiring week of little sleep and overwhelming work but you still want those dates you used to go on...its a struggle between wanting him to be the boyfriend you've always wanted and you thot you deserved (after having waited for weeks to have him back) and the understanding girlfriend you ought to be. Its truly a difficult struggle to resolve. Add in the sadness you'd feel, the heartache and all, when you see him so drained and tired, so haggard like he's lost his usual chirpy self...its not an easy position to be in. So now i know, why some just couldn't take it. And for those who did, i really truly admire you for that, for being alot stronger than i am.

Now i'm glad i didn't have to go thru' that NS phase. What i had was only a mini one;)

I told you i felt like i could be with you forever and i wanted to. Its true. And the way you make me feel, it almost like having wandered off for a long time and finally coming back to place you feel so comfortable in, you never want to leave it. You've become like a home to me and beside you, its the best place in the world to be. I could look at you for hours on end and not feel bored at all.

Just being able to be with you, is already a wonderful blessing in itself. And i hope i'd always remember this and not dwell on the trivial, silly stuff. I hope i'd always think this way instead of having expectations about you... that isn't the way love should be. I must learn to love you for what you already are to me and not what i want you to be. And i must know that i can't always expect you to love me in the same way i'd love you, we all love differently. Let this be a reminder to me, so that i'll become slow to anger and a peaceful lover.

I must remember, every minute spent being mad at you, walking away from you...is a minute less of the wonderful time we could have had together. And since a lifetime is too short for me to be with you, i shouldn't let time pass us by in such a wasteful manner. The man i loved 3 years ago is still the man i see before me right now, so why am i bitter or upset? Haven't i waited long enough to have him? These are questions i need to learn to ask myself.

A wandering mind

2009-06-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

This space has been so stagnant even though i have so much free time on my hands now. It seems i blog more often during school term than the break. This speaks volumes of how 'focused' i was...ah...and i guess that explains why i'm seeing more B's than A's than i used to last time ( i complained to tiny last night when we were printing my results slip and he told me to get used to it).

And i guess i've never really told anyone about this and it crossed my mind the other day. (I think time alone only gives me the chance to let my mind run wild and think about the silliest things. I'm constantly amazed at what my mind does to me.) I've never really gotten over the fact that i got kicked out from VJ and i guess i never would. It would always stay with me cos i can never change the fact that i got kicked out. Thinking about it always made me felt inferior...to the point of being stupid. And the first three months i spent there, it was almost like a dream i was too happy to wake up from. I tried many things i would never have tried (like volunteering to be the class CT rep, which is really sorta like a class leader thing), made so many new friends which i felt really very comfortable with. And it was also the time which i received a great number of praises for an ability i never thought i would have, leadership. Praises from Mr Teo, from classmates whom i helped. And even the gruelling times we spent together as soon-to-be full-fledged CT reps, during the tough boot camp the seniors organized....all that morning marches at 6am in the morning, running around the school with ketchup all over, trying to hide from preying seniors by posing as a gardener, singing 'Twinkle twinkle little star' to a senior so he wouldn't pull me back to get ketchup and flour smeared all over me, gettting scared by the movie 'Shutter' and then being sent on eerie walk around the school at night, one at a time...i had fun, each and everyday i spent there, in that dream college of mine. Even times where i felt i wasn't doing well trying to get the class to unite as one, some of my classmates stayed back just to tell me they'd supporting me all the way thru and that gave me strength to go on doing what i've never done before. I savoured every single moment i spent in VJ and i was truly happy and looking forward to going to school every day. Which was why i cried when i received my results. Not that they weren't good, but because they weren't good enough to let me stay in a dream.

There are many times i'd look back and ask myself, what if i had just stayed on? What if i had taken Mr Teo's advice and transferred to Arts stream (which my results would allow me to go to and since i had a knack for Lit then)? Would i have led a more fruitful 2 years in college? Would i have done better for my A levels? Yet the fact remains that i was just...NOT GOOD ENOUGH to be there. Perhaps i should have seen it coming...i wasn't really clever at all, it was just pure luck i did well for the prelims. If i hadn't experienced what it was like to be there, i would probably rejoice at my results. Trust me, its painful to have something you've wanted so much and to have it taken away from you just when you were enjoying it. This was what made most of my college life unbearable and i'm just so glad its all over now.

So you see what my mind does to me when i let it wander.

On a totally different note altogether...i love the cute Stitch tiny gave to me. It lays perfectly on my tummy;) and he's really the cutest Stitch i've ever seen. And i really enjoy watching the cooking shows on Channel 5 in the morning, it gives me so much inspiration.

When you're in love, you tend NOT to do things that the other person dislike. And even if you still do, you'd feel guilty. And i think that's really sweet. So i resolve to do less of the things tiny doesn't like me to do and do more the things he likes me to do (like RUN! Haha!).

To Tiny: ha, well you've probably read all of the above as well and i know exactly which sentence you'd copy and paste to keep as proof;) i had wanted to write you a letter (something i haven't done for a quite a long while) but i guess this will do, just as well. I'm really sorry for not being understanding enough and for not giving time to yourself, for being so greedy with your time. Just this morning, when i was browsing through my phone's inbox, i realised, its true, you really do spend most of your very limited, free time with me and its really unfair to keep asking more from you. Its not an easy thing to change, but i guess admitting it openly is taking a major step ahead already. I love you baby. And this time, i reading the 'Time traveller's Wife' for real!

Exams---may you burn in hell.

2009-04-30T04:38:00.000-07:00

I have to declare, publicize and proclaim my utmost hatred for exams... cos they rob me of a real life (wake up, eat, study, study and more study then sleep and the whole cycle repeats itself). Like what Marx would say, i'm seriously alienated from the species' being. I no longer find satisfaction in what i do, i'm just going through the motions, much like a factory worker who's repeating the same action over and over again. And its not helping much that i'm only a paper and 2 days away from liberation. And, trust me, exams damage your health, at least it does mine. Now i eat so i won't go hungry, so i'd just eat what's convenient. Gone are the days i eat to live (now i think whatever i put in my mouth just shortens my lifespan by 5 years ok.) or when i live to eat (who lives to eat sub-standard food, tell me!). And all i see in my mind is the beads 'heaven' awaiting me in HK 5 days from now. And it has become the main and only motivation for me to get past this hellish week. Ah, to hell with affluenza and environmental issues...i'm still going to be a peak consumer when i go on my long awaited holidays and buy all the stuff i want without a second thought. Ha, see how useful has all the soci modules been, it just makes me revert back to my terrible old self again.

Pee, haha, i don't know if you'd see this, but i just read ur blog and went to your blogshop. WOW! Where on earth did you get that pre-order thing?! Haha, haven't talked to you for a long long while. See you on Sunday ok! Will quiz you on your rising entrepreneurial activities. Haha!

Am so going to HK to buy all the nice beads, charms and ribbons and come home to make the accessories to sell. I've been thinking about them for the longest time, its such a big distraction. But thinking of such things keeps me sane during the insane, mundane activity of studying.

Sometimes i feel i can really relate to what Marx felt when he wrote the Communist Manifesto. And please la, North Korea is totally the worst example of communism ok. If Marx was still alive and if he sees how his idea of communism has been so distorted by the Kim guy, seriously, Marx will jump back right into his grave and bang his head against his coffin in frustration. Marx really really more like a man with the crystal ball, a man with the ability to foresee the future cos that's what he did and did right, with all his predictions of capitalism and how true most of them are.

This is all just a series of disconnected thoughts. And here i have to go, back to hitting the books.

Till then, exams, may you forever burn in hell for the suffering you've inflicted on me.

Cold corn soup and an even colder heart...

2009-04-17T08:47:00.000-07:00

Cold mos burger, cold fries, cold corn soup...all the warmth taken out of my favourite foods. I didn't know warmth could make so much of a difference...they taste like a different thing altogether now. Or maybe cos its eaten with bitterness, that's why it tastes different now.

A bad day in school, a quarrel that left me so drained... i feel so exhausted now, i don't know if i'll get past the next few weeks or that i even want to anymore.

I miss you.

2009-04-04T09:55:00.000-07:00

Just came home, took a bath, saw your msg but i guess u fell asleep already, cos i tried to call u. Suddenly, i just miss you so much, wanted so much to hear your voice and feel your embrace...being alone suddenly felt so bad. And to know you had sleep on the floor so your little cousins could sleep on the mattress, i wish you came here instead.

If there's something i really hate about studying, its that it takes me apart from those i love, those i would willingly spend every minute of my life loving; how it drains you so much, it leaves you with nothing for those who really matter. Why am i made to prioritise the chase of that paper at the expense of every minute i could have spend loving those ard me?

Knowing doesn't really do you much good sometimes. It makes you look at people differently (humans are judgmental). But at the same time, it makes you see just how lucky you are, to be so sheltered, to have the exact opposite. And it makes you thankful. I am. I am very thankful i fell for a man who would never put me in a disadvantaged position, a man who clearly loves me as much as i do him, a man who isn't just devoted to me, but to others whom he loves and cares for as well, a man who puts me and others above himself. I do not have the wealthiest boyfriend, but i have what most people don't, a virtuous and faithful lover.

I love you mollie.

My sleeping baby

2009-03-30T10:07:00.000-07:00

Looking at your face when you sleep, running my fingers over your smooth, tanned, chocolate skin...i can't bring myself to fault you in anyway. You seem so blameless, so spotless, so close to perfection. And every one of your flaw, its beauty to me.

And i know, sometimes i just don't treat you the way you ought to be treated and i regret those times which i've hurt you, times when i've made you so vulnerable.

I'm glad i've told you 'i love you' almost everyday we've been in love cos i never wanna take it for granted that i can say these 3 words to you, cos really, i truly understand how it feels to not be able to say how i feel towards you. And now that i can, i just want to let you know everyday, how much you ought to be loved.

You should never be hurt. You deserve to be loved, to be held close to the heart, to be cherished and appreciated.

I must remember that.

Food addictions

2009-03-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

Hmm, baby, we've never tried going out late at night for a nice supper, have we? We should really do it one of these days, since your house is so near 85 (which is kinda open till early morning) and i live near...er, not anywhere nice to eat leh...changi village? But its not exactly near. Ahhh...i wish we didn't have so much school work now, so we can go for late night supper on weekends. (I hate weekends burnt on studying.)

But i guess its good to have something to look forward to, something to do after the exams (which really isn't very far away even tho it seems so). A list of food i'd set out to eat after exams...

1.) Satay bee hoon at East Coast Park Hawker Centre. I think its true that the best food is found in hawker centres. I'd have a plate of $3 satay bee hoon from here, than a nice steak or a bowl of sharks' fin soup anytime. This really is one of the best comfort food ever. The generous amount of liao dat goes so well together, the thin bee hoon and the rich, savoury, peanuty sauce...seriously, this is the BEST satay bee hoon in S'pore and yes, i think every tourist should go try this...to get a taste of one of S'pore's best hawker food and to witness for themselves, just how far S'poreans would go for good food. (The queue can get a little crazy sometimes.)

2.) Cheng Teng at Bedok Camp. Its cooling, its got all the liao i love in cheng teng (very generous liao also!) and its not too sweet. It must be really good cos seriously, how do u think the uncle can afford to buy a terrace house and a mercs just from this humble cheng teng stall? He must really sell alot to be this rich la!

3.) Chawanmushi, grilled chicken and sake don at wasabi tei in Far East Plaza. I think its a gem in Far East and that its a pity i never did come across it all the times i went to Far East to shop and i always end up eating LJS, which although is quite nice sometimes, you'll get sian of it after awhile. This little Japanese restaurant tucked away in a corner of level 5, sits only about 18 people or less each time? And people QUEUE outside just to wait for their turn to be greeted by a grumpy chef and his silent wife. I think this establishment shows that S'poreans would really choose good and affordable food over good service anytime, cos that's what u get and don't get here. The food and prices are the main draw. I'm hungry already la.

3.) Mushroom chicken hor fun at T2 staff canteen. Ahhh...this is another comfort food. The sauce is the main attraction.

4.) Fresh oysters. Ha, this is expensive.

5.) Home cooked seafood aglio olio. Haha, now that i know where to buy lalas and HUGE and SWEET australian lalas, i think my aglio olio will be so flavourful!

6.) Chicken chop noodle at Changi V.

7.) Haha, i just had these two burgers yesterday, but they're so nice i don't mind eating them again today! Haha! Both are from mos! The Tsukune Rice burger and the Mos burger (altho. dear dear say this price can buy 2 double cheeseburger from mac, i still think this beef burger beats Mac's one hands down.). Go try it and you'll see what i mean.

That's all for now. I'm deciding if i shld eat the soba or the chicken pie.

What's bugging me-- the affluenza bug

2009-03-20T09:48:00.000-07:00

I think i have a serious case (not mild, not just materialism...its now an obsession) of affluenza. Ha, now tell me, how many of you have actually attended lessons in uni only to make you reflect on yourself as an individual, when the cold hard truth hits you in the face (well, its more of the accusations of the professor, not that its directed straight at you, but you know fully well that he's referring you) and you leave every lesson feeling guilter about your lifestyle than you've ever had before.

Is there a cure for all this?

Why am i not postmaterialistic? Do i not have the economic security? Or am i just one of those who have fallen prey to the capitalist's crafty ways of making people believe you can buy happiness, willingly and knowingly?

My discipline has always been depressing but not as depressive as this. "Nothing's real, not even love." Now, tell me, how do i handle that?

And so i still went ahead to buy two more, in a bid to reward myself for having slogged so hard the past week. No wait, its 3, or is it 4? Yes, its that bad...so bad that i don't think i'd ever be cured.

Maybe that's why i need lessons like this and professors who hit me with the cold hard truth.

Reality, please slap me awake now.

YAY YAY YAY! ;)

2009-03-13T01:18:00.000-07:00

I'm going on exchange to Hong Kong! :):):)+many many more smiley faces.

And i thought the results of the application wouldn't come out till next week. Thank GOD for making my dreams come true! And of course, thanks to all those who prayed for me;) Can next year come quickly please? Haha. Am so looking forward to a slacker sem., a sem OUT OF NUS...haha, the joy and anticipation is just too overwhelming.

I guess this is about the only time i've made my CAP work for me since i've worked hard (ok, not very hard, but at least i worked right?) for it. So now, i must work hard to maintain it so i can graduate with good honours, but seriously, its easier said than done. But i must...i must. No more procrastination, NO MORE SLACKING! Please God, grant me the inspiration to start my lvl3 soci essay. Its hard but nothing's too hard with You by my side. It has been this way and it will always be because i have an amazing God.

I should really go start on my essay now.

Grateful.

2009-02-25T17:36:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for...

A God who listens. A God who answers prayers and who always gives more than what i ask for.

Friends who tell me that it doesn't matter where we go or what we do together, as long as we're together, it makes her happy for the entire day.

Friends who are happily and blissfully in love. Its amazing and i feel so happy for them. Its like being filled to the brim with joy.

Cousins who really are sisters. Cousins i can have a mass hug with, cousins i can pour my heart out to, cousins who make up for the want i have, of sisters.

Brothers who show their love for me in quiet and simple ways. And of course, all the childhood memories we shared together, the laughter, pain and tears and mischief.

Parents who work hard to give me things i want, and who always try to give me the best, and are always so selfless when it comes to their children.

Parents in general, parents of everyone i love. For loving their children so much, for bringing those i love into the world.

A love who sent me a picture of a rainbow to brighten up my day. A love who puts me before himself. A love who although, is unable to express himself well, expresses his love for me in infinite ways and who never fails to make me laugh or smile.

There is so much more to be thankful for, but we never seem to have the time to say how thankful we are, for little things or for big things.

I hope i'd never find it a waste of time to be thankful, nor will i ever forget to be grateful for all the blessings i have.

Wishlist and a whole load of other stuff

2009-02-18T04:02:00.000-08:00

Yay yay yay! I've just submitted my application for SEP. Hopefully all goes well and i'd be in Hong Kong during this time of year next year!! Really am soooooo looking forward to it. Dim sum, shopping and of course, a slacker sem...its so good its almost like a dream. I really really really hope it all goes well and my application would be successful! So this is the first thing on my wishlist....all of you, please pray for this ok? That if its God's plan for me to go on SEP, i will get it and everything...finances, accomodation, visa, air tickets...everything would fall into place nicely and it'll be even better if i can get the NASA (NUS Award for Studying Abroad) or even the scholarship from the University of Hong Kong! So please, pray for me and this is really something i want and which i cannot stress enough...PRAYERS! ;) It really does wonders. (I'm a real good living example. Seriously.)

Ok, so for the rest of the wistlist...

1.) A nice big pencil case cos the current one can only fit a limited number of pens and all. Please DON'T get me a super big and long billabong one ok (the kinds that the secondary sch ah lians carry...haha!). I think you guys would know what i like right? And please hor, don't buy a hot pink pencil case ok? I know i love pink but bright pencil cases do attract unwanted attention from lecturers who are hunting for their victims and i don't want to fall prey to it. So please...you know what i mean. I don't mind handmade ones but you guys probably won't have the time right?

2.) NO Topshop vouchers please. Haha, i kinda got sick of it from last year's ones. And besides, Topshop's stuff are priced really steep and i'm a big cheapo, so, don't get this for me please. On the other hand, i wouldn't mind F21 cos man, its really apt isn't it? Quoting from ong:"I want to be Forever 21!!". Haha. So yes, Forever 21 vouchers are a great thing to get esp for my 21st birthday;)

3.) Birks? Hmm...but this is really hard cos i have no idea what pattern i like so if you wanna get this for me, you have to bring me there (unless you wanna risk me not wearing it cos i don't like it. Haha!).

4.) K, i'm seriously running of things i want. And i think this list is exhausive enough right? Use abit of imagination la. And remember to coordinate ok, don't everyone get the same stuff leh, very boring for the birthday girl you know.

5.) Suddenly thot of something i want from a specific person. I hope he sees this. If he doesn't you guys can remind him ok! =P I want letters! Many many letters! Or ben and jerry's nights! I want them all!
Oh, and things that you REALLY SHOULDN'T BUY FOR ME!!!

-lingerie...please...you don't even know my size and i won't tell! don't even try guessing cos it won't fit comfortably. and really la, it'll be very embarrassing and there are older people attending the party so please, BEHAVE! Haha, i warned you guys! so that means no other sleazy things as well ok!

-slimming pills. Contrary to tiny's belief, i DON'T NEED these things. Yes i got flabs but who doesn't?! And these pills never work! Also, please don't get me food la. Will only add on to my flabs eh.

Ok, i've really zoned out now. So this shall be it.

I REALLY WANT TO GO ON SEP! I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO GO HONG KONG FOR EXCHANGE!

Why do you see right through me?

2009-02-12T08:59:00.000-08:00

"Am i not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do i cry too much?
Am i too outspoken?
Don't i make you laugh?
Should i try harder?
Why do you see right through me?"

Irony. That's what made me fell ridiculously in love with the stage. Cos at some point in your life, you would be what you were trying to be. It isn't roles that you're playing, its a facet of life that you're reflecting and it could very well be your own pain you're trying so hard to feel. You may not live the rich and fanciful life of Juliet but you could well be someone who could never be fortunate enough to be with the one you loved the most. That's the beauty of the stage. You get to be everything you have been/could have been. Yet its been a long long time since i ever felt that way. It was a short love affair and it lasted for just 4 fleeting years, but really, those years were the most enchanting part of my life and it seems i can never find it back again. Its been gone for a long time but it comes back to haunt me in many ways and the above is one of them. A song, a w0rd, a random name of someone i met, a place where it all began... they all evoke a sudden rush of euphoria. And i get lost in it. Whisked away into my memories that i share with no one.

There are so many things i wish i could be to so many different people, things i know could never be. The impossibility of it bothers me so much sometimes. I've never given thought to what i've ever wanted to be, to myself. That's just like an actor isn't it? We can only be what the people wants to see...we can't be ourselves...we can never be.

I wish i could find you back and we could start all over again. I haven't moved on. But i guess its not meant to be.

Its that time of the year again;)

2009-02-06T00:26:00.000-08:00

Yes! My birthday's coming! Thankfully it falls on the 1 week break from school, that means i don't have to spend my birthday in school! I think God knows i'd be quite depressed if it was a school day, so He made the one week break fall on my birthday week! Its great, isn't it?

This year's birthday would be quite special cos i'd be cooking. (Must make a mental note to myself to enjoy the entire process of cooking. Tiny said when i'm always in a bad temper when i've just finished cooking. Well, that happens only when my food and efforts don't get appreciated ok! Haha!). So here's a tentative menu that i've came up with to entice all of you greedy, gluttony (i'm guilty too) taste buds.

1.) Beef and summer veg. stoup (think soup+stew) with Garlic bread
2.) Potato salad
3.) French bean in tomato, garlic and basil sauce
4.) Mozarrella surprise (its a surprise!)
5.) Assortment of seafood with mango mayo dip (i love this!)
6.) Mum's pumpkin rice (its really good!)
7.) Sausage with bacon wrapper

Might be adding some other stuff too, when i get the inspiration.

As for my birthday wishlist, you may ask me personally;)

Big dreams of mine

2009-01-31T08:40:00.000-08:00

2 things i hope to achieve in this lifetime...no, when i start working...no, i hope i'd be able to make these 2 dreams a reality soon, that i wouldn't have to wait too long...

1. To put daddy on the plane off to China so he can tour the whole of China and climb the Great Wall. It somewhere he has always wanted to go but never did because he gave up his dreams to make my dreams come true. So its my turn now. A france for an even bigger china.

2. To buy a car for tiny. I just want him to have a car. So he can go wherever he wants to go and he can bring whoever he wants to bring.

I will work hard to realise these 2 dreams of mine. No, it wouldn't be dreams anymore. I hope it happens fast enough. Really.

Insatiable.

2009-01-05T10:28:00.001-08:00

I can never ever get enough of you. It just takes a picture of you that someone uploads on facebook, to get me going crazy over your good looks again. I see you almost every other day, but its never enough. I feel like its impossible to fall out of love with someone like you. I know what's my favourite hobby...its looking at you. And it makes me delirious with joy when i can say to myself, this great looking man is mine, all mine. It doesn't matter if i don't look good myself, because i have you and that's what matters. And it doesn't matter that i'm not a good person, cos you are and its a fact that people around me have been telling me (its not that i don't know. I do, but i guess its nice to see that i'm not the only one feeling this way. So you know, its true and that i'm not biased at all. Its a fact.).
But this doesn't all come without a price. I may be happy now but there are times i feel someone as good looking and good natured as you, would never fall and stay in love with someone like me. Then again, you always have a way to make me feel deserving of you yet again.

My Grown up Christmas List

2008-12-26T09:12:00.000-08:00

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you with childhood fantasy.
Well i'm a grown up now,
Can you still help me somehow?
I'm not a child but my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up Christmas list
Not for myself but for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
Every man would have a friend
That right will always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up Christmas list

What is this illusion called?
The innocence of youth
Maybe only in that blind belief can we ever find the truth

This is one of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard. Ok, at least the cover done by Michael Buble. It is so, simply because it spells out what we need now, the most. For the world to be good again.

And here's my grown up Christmas list...

No more lives torn apart by poverty which doesn't just mean no food. Poverty means a young mother having to watch her baby infant dying in her arms and not being able to do anything about it. Poverty means children not being able to grow up.

We will never have to watch our loved ones suffering in sickness, slowly and painfully wasting away. That all dreadful illnesses like cancer, AIDs, stroke, Alzhiemer's, diseases that steal away the life of our loved ones in the most painful way possible, would cease to exist. That soon, very soon, someone would really find a cure to these diseases and save us from having to watch those we love so dearly, suffer in pain.

A heart of forgiveness, a heart that is as big as that of GOD's, who is merciful enough to forgive those who have forsaken Him. A heart that allows me to look beyond the faults of man and to see the inherent good in them.

And most of all, for all of the above to come true, a child like faith in GOD to simply believe.

You're Just The Best I Ever Had

2008-12-12T08:50:00.000-08:00

This was given to me by my dearest baby moley tiny tan for 2 years anniversary present. Its not just how expensive it was, but how much thought and effort that he put into it. He knew i liked the phone but didn't buy it even though i was using an antique phone, because it was too pricey. So he went home, took out the birthday angbaos that my parents and ms wong gave to him, and with some money out of his hard-earned tuition pay, called up my brother (my phone is under his name) and came up with a plan to buy me this beautiful phone, so he could give it to me on the 10th. And when i met him for dinner at Wisma after he got the phone (he told me he needed to meet someone in orchard to settle some insurance stuff and i believed him.), he told me with a smile on his face, that he had something for me and asked me to close my eyes and he took my hand...and put this phone on my hand. When i opened my eyes, i was just dumbfounded. Then i started scolding him for wasting money...blah blah blah... i finally stopped when it finally registered in my mind, how sweet the whole thing was.

So baby, thanks so much for this really wonderful present. Its so meaningful, so practical, so lovely. I'm still loving it now;) And it makes me think of you even more! Haha! I'm your happy little girl.

So you know when you've got the best when he does so much for you. I know my baby's the best i can ever have. He took great care of me when i was sick the past few days, cut fruits for me so i could eat healthily, take my temperature to check if my fever has gone down, nag at me to eat when i stubbornly refuse to. Most of all, he sees the beauty in me that i never see. We love to look at each other when we've just woken up. Its the nicest sight and only we can understand. I love that baby.

La Vie En Rose

2008-10-07T10:34:00.000-07:00

Je voudrais bien chanter chanson française.

J'adore la chanson 'La Vie En Rose'.

C'est lui pour moi, moi pour lui dans la vie.

"j'aime ma petite fille bête!!"
-Moi aussi. J'aime mon petit ami! ;)

2008-08-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

Envy.
Envy.
Envy.

I should stop doing this to myself. The extent of it, its almost becoming an obsession. Nothing leads me to read those things. I find them all by myself, i look for trouble.

And this is what it does to me:

I think i need to look as pretty so someone would love me more and if i can ever look beautiful, maybe i would never have to worry about not being loved anymore.

I think i need to be as rich and successful to be as good...

I never think i'd ever be good enough for you.

This needs to stop. I need to stop putting myself down like that.

And i think my life needs a little something else. Its too much of a cycle; i'm too caught up in my own comfort zone. But where can i find it? How and when?

I think i may be slowly killing the person i love the most.

I think i need to love you less to love you more.

pissifiers and a pleasantation

2008-08-14T08:24:00.000-07:00

i'm pissed, turned off and perturbed.

why make friends and stay friends (best friends) for so many years with people that you look down on? pardon me and i've never had any friends who look down on me cos if they do and i know, i wouldn't want to be friends with them. that said, i've never ever looked down on any of my friends and i never would. i look up to them, i admire them for the same qualities that draw me to them, for the same reasons why i still want to be friends with them. so i don't get it, why would you wanna be friends with someone you'd look down on?

why trust in a God who is for all and yet think that the best medical treatment should only be reserved for the rich? indeed giving everyone equal access to the best medical treatment is a utopia that's not going to come true any time soon but why have such elitist and selfish thoughts? will you one day not become poor? will your children/grandchildren not be too poor to afford healthcare? would you not wish one day, when you're old, poor and sickly, that no one ever thought the selfish way you did? why don't you put your material, dollar defining trust in gods that only work for the rich? or better still, go worship those econs scholars who came up with those self-profiting, others-destructive theories that you use to back up your statement? perhaps they could offer a tip or two when the wheel turns and you get to taste what it means to be poor. nothing is certain.

i'm only pissed cos i had always thot baby's friends were good. but i'm wrong, terribly horribly painfully wrong. pissed cos you didn't see my tiny's good intentions and said the hurtful stuff that you did. so what if you're clever? are you the cleverest? and even so, could you carry this title with you into the coffin? is that what you want people to remember you by? a clever but arrogant and selfish pig? i will certainly remember you as that. but i'm not really sure you're clever, cos clever people don't need to put others down to feel good about themselves. you're just mere pitiful. that's all.

on the other hand, baby still continues to amaze me. i feel so inferior beside him. he's just too good natured. told him i'd not want to have such a friend anymore but he didn't. he didn't say anything abt not wanting to be friends with someone who looks down on him. i guess that's why i need tiny so much. cos he neutralises the poison in me (haha!), he makes me see things i'd otherwise forget and he saves me from doing things that i really shouldn't do. And for that, i'm proud of you baby. I ADMIRE YOU DESMOND TAN and i'm sure many others do too. ;)

i'm feelin' crafty.

2008-08-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

Crafty. So far, i've made a birthday scrapbook for baby (i've no idea why its called a scrapbook, are we supposed to be using scraps to make it? ), a nice one at that according to the boy who said the scrapbook was nice considering how un-arty i am, i've made paper flowers, pretty lilies and bright red carnations for my beloved aunt's birthday and now, i'm thinking of a nice lap top case and a buttony necklace.

This is the last week of the hols before sch starts so its probably the only time i have left to put my craftiness into good use and make something tangible out of these bursts of creativity for they don't come by often. Hols, i can never get enough of them, its something that's never too much but i guess if you have holidays everyday, it wouldn't be a holiday anymore. And when it ends, i always get scared...and stressed, about the upcoming school term, the workload, the stress of meeting deadlines, the exams, the mugging, the writing of essays (!!!), the failure of meeting my own expectations, the uncertainty of a new semester. I can't handle stress and knowing it, fearing it, makes me feel even weaker than i'm supposed to be. So i'm glad i've got God to keep me from going crazy with fear. Its hard to explain just how good it feels to have Someone so powerful to pray to.

This 3 mth break has been nothing short of a fulfilling, well spent and memorable holiday. I went to places, did things. Explored the Southern Ridges with baby and i never knew the west had so many breathtaking views from the Henderson Waves, the CanopyWalk and a beautiful Hort Park with all the bright little flowers and glassy greenhouses. It was truly an exploration. And planning a surprise birthday party for tiny, it was a total success and i'm still feeling real good abt it. ;)

I'm tired of blogging. Shall go make more flowers now. ;)

An awakening.

2008-06-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

Feeling really down and out now. Maybe its not a bad thing 'cos i've learnt something, realised something.
Going shopping alone can be extremely dangerous. Fatal. Cos i almost blew 70bucks on 2 tops in a span of 15mins when i stepped into forever21. The only thing that stopped me was that there wasn't any more right size for me (the price tag said S, the tag on the top said L, so i didn't wanna take the chance even though it fit. I must be getting fatter, L, how scary.) and of course, honey bunny's words of wisdom on the train that struck me like a thunderbolt (haha, i would have been burnt). Its funny how i see his face staring sternly back at me, pointing fingers at me when i was about to walk to the cashier to pay. Maybe it hasn't gotten so bad cos i can still see and hear him telling me not to...
Money that takes hours to earn can be spent within a few seconds. Now how shocking is that? And its not as if i'm buying gold which would and could increase in value and would reap me a handsome profit. What's worst is that i came home to a bursting wardrobe, full of clothes i've worn/not worn/worn once, clothes that have since became out of sight, out of mind. What have i become? A spendthrift who no longer knows the need and importance to save and a hopelessly superficial and materialistic girl who only knows how to adorn herself with clothes. Gone were the days where i could save 60% of the money that was given to me and spend only on what i needed. Where is the girl who had a piggy bank full of savings and would always think twice about spending on things that are unnecessary? Now someone who has no absoulutely no regards for the future and for those who have been working hard to give her the money she has, has taken her place.
I don't only need to learn to save again but i also need to know how to manage my finances well and when its right to spend, when its only good to walk out and not think about how nice that tops looks on me. I need to know what i need and not what i want.
Its hard, its really tough. But i hope this painful lesson is here to stay.
I need to learn before its all too late. I.NEED.TO.SAVE.AND.NOT.SPEND. Each word a strong meaning. Each word a hard lesson to learn.

A happy mollie;)

2008-05-30T19:35:00.000-07:00

I'm happy, and contented with what i've got. But i've no wish to broadcast it like dearie has done, haha! So yup, i'm just thankful;)

I wanna go shopping at the airport today! Haha, nono, not gonna shop at the boring outside of the aiport. I'm gonna shop in the transit area. Now how cool is that! Haha. Everything is tax free, so i just it'll probably be cheaper and the stuff there are usually not the ones you can find outside. So i'd pop by charles and keith and accessorize and see if they've got any staff discounts. I can't wait!! Its soooo exciting. Haha. Its really really different. In the transit, there's so little people and so many comfy big seats ard. But outside, there's like no nice seats at all. I'm thinking of eating gelare in the transit as well but i've gotta wait till its half priced tuesday! (yes, they have the offer inside as well! ;)

The job's quite fun except for the long hours of standing and the tired legs i get. I get to play with the newest apple products like the MacBook Air, the Ipod touch (THIS is seriously cool ok! If you've got too much money to spare and you just wanna get something, THIS IS the thing to get. I love the motion sensor thing!!! ). But the most enjoyable thing so far has been the company and of course, all the cute ang moh babies, i just can't get enough of them! Haha! Their hands are so soft and stubby and their curly, maggie mee like hair...its soooooooo cute! And of course, the customers are really really nice and warm. They're not proud or difficult to deal with so it makes serving them more enjoyable. All in all, its a great experience working there. Really fun and a total eye opener.

But now, i can't wait for the one week break (its just 2 more days of work!) before i start on the nike job. ;) Wanna spend all the time i have with my baby (we missed each other so much and baby, i really appreciate it when you come over to stay. Its a really pleasant surprise. ), doing all the things we wanted to do...go for a picnic, go Kushin Bo, go Shokudo again (my treat cos of my results), laze ard together...and so much more! I can't wait baby;) I'm so happy that you're so proud of me;)

I love my baby mon, baby mon.

2008-05-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

I need to gush about my baby again. All the sweet stuff he's done...no he hasn't stop doing them, he's still very much the sweet little boy i met years ago and the only difference now is that he has grown into a dedicated and faithful man. Haha, he's mine, he's all mine! ;)
Ok, stupid blogger is taking soooo long to upload my pictures so i shall not waste my time. But i will still rave abt my tiny. Heh, that's what this blog is for what.

Firstly, baby went shopping with me today, even though its not something he really enjoys, but he still walked along with me, reading his train man book whenever i walk into a shop to browse. When we came to Miss Selfridge (my favourite!), there was this sale and the only decent, nice thing that i found among the sale rack was this printed sweater with three quarter sleeves. Didn't think much of it at first, but when i tried it on...WOW...it made my shoulders look amazingly small. Haha! And so i fell in love with it. BUT...even though it was on sale (50% off the usual price), it was still a whooping 39 bucks! So i hesitated for a long long time (i like the way it makes me look like i've got nice small shoulders like a girl should, instead of my broad, man-like shoulders, but on the other hand, it wasn't really worth it even though it was on sale and i had already bought many new clothes the past few days!) before throwing it back on the rack and walking out of the shop without buying it. So we walked on and we came to Diva and i went in to look at the little gold bangles which baby thinks look really weird on my small hands while baby waited outside (or so i thot). I took a peek out to make sure he didn't sneak off to get me the sweater and to my relief, i saw him outside, so i went back in again to browse thru somemore. The next time i looked out again, baby wasn't outside alr. He disappeared! I panicked and started looking ard for him, calling him until i finally spotted him. He wasn't holding a Miss Selfridge bag, so i was relieved. Then he showed me this GSS magazine and told me its an expensive mag. I couldn't believe he would actually buy this mag so i asked him where he got it from. He told me it didn't come cheap and that it cost $39 and came with a sweater and there...he took out the Miss Selfridge bag with the sweater i had wanted to buy earlier on but didn't. I WAS STUNNED, SURPRISED...totally lost for words. I FELT SO HAPPY AND LOVED!! And i still feel it now.

Baby, you are so so sweet to me. Do you have any idea how many things you've bought for me recently since the exam ended? You've bought me: a skirt from bugis street, two necklaces, a pair of shoes, a pair of grey shorts, all from Forever21, a t-shirt from esprit and of course, the very lovely looking sweater from Miss Selfridge. Dearie, you must have spent a bomb on me. But you have yet to get yourself anything. You just love me so much you put me above everything else. And naughty, bad me always picks on you, irritate you, make you angry and upset, am so posessive over you and your time...yet never once have you given up on me even though i've put you thru so much nonsense. I'm sorry for being so mean and undeserving of you baby. I love you baby mon, i really really really do.

thanks for EVERYTHING, especially for you.

"the more i learn, the more i love, the more my heart can't get enough. that's when i love you, when i love you, no matter what"

Gratitude

2008-04-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

Dearie, you're gonna scold me again cos i broke my promise and bought a dress from bonitochico again. A small retail therapy before the exam starts ok? Please dun be mad at me.
So here are my grades for my assignments...

Sc2101-A
Sc2205-A-
Sc2212-A
Gek1012-A-
PL1101E-A

no doubt they're good and they all turned out better than i expected and God has been really good, giving me so much. And that what really stresses me out. I need to maintain these grades, cos its not easy getting so many A's in a semester and i really don't know how i did it...only could thanks to God's unending grace and the wonderful people He put in my lives. Especially baby. He helped me with social research, using his fantastic stats knowledge to help me figure out the stats part of the project and most imptly, staying up with me, helping me to read and summarise the journals for family and finding the evidence that i needed, all the way from 9pm to 7am. Baby, i really couldn't have done this all, if it wasn't for you. And i thank God for you. For all you've done for me, for all that you are to me, the logic, the brain, the heart in our relationship, you're always guiding me, teaching me, helping me to be, a better person. And i'm so glad everyone knows just how good you are. I love you baby. And of course, to yun who helped me out with the interview. Thanks soooo much!! I need to do well for my exams to make the efforts of all these people worthwhile. The A's, they're all for you Lord. I can never thank you enough for giving me more than i've asked for.

nOTe to sELf...

2008-04-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

Haha, i'm so free i'm blogging almost any other day...but it seems like no one's visiting anymore..oh well. not that it bothers me..it shldn't cos really, tis blog is just like a diary, an outlet, a canvas for words that come to me...oh well, i was just trying too hard to be poetic. And no, i'm not supposed to be free, cos like what dearie mon (molie sounds better baby, cos of big and 'conspicuous' m*** on ur forehead. nei nei ne boo boo...haha!) says, all NUS students will not be out during the weekends becos the exams are approaching. Baby, not everyone is as hardworking as you and your science pals. Seriously. Just look at me and my friends. Wahaha, i know you guys are not studying yet ok, well, as least not mugging as madly and crazily as my mollie. Our fac. is just so slack la, no, maybe we're just laid back. Haha, like what's the diff. So yea, i should buck up and stop wasting my free days away. If only i had half the discipline mollie has..it would do my CAP WONDERS. Just half will do. Oh well. I cannot be free anymore, i must busy myself, i must make every min count. Sleeping, watching TV isn't doing my time justice, it just makes me feel even more lazy and how bad is that?! Tell me! The exams are just 24 days away, that means 3 weeks. WHY CAN'T I FEEL THE PRESSURE YET?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? GOD, please do something abt tis hopelessly lazy daughter of Yours, don't let her waste all that You've given to her, the opportunity to get into uni (how much i had wanted for the NUS letter to come and how i promised You Father, that i would study hard when the letter came, to make You giving the letter all worthwhile. But i haven't done that. Not yet.), the resources, the ability...don't let it all come to waste. It must start somewhere, and it should start now.

I love going to Westley with mollie cos his church's sermons never fail to touch, convict and awaken me. Just like today. It is HIGHLY relevant, especially since i have been leading a really sedentary lifestyle. The pastor spoke abt how sports is highly relevant to our spiritual lives. More than just helping us to get a healthy physical body that would benefit our spiritual body, it has many other lessons to learn and draw from it. The verse? 1 Corinthians 9: 24-27.

"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it.
And everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown.
Therefore I run thus: not with uncertainty. Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air.
But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified. "

So you see, even Paul knew the lessons we could learn from sports. The discipline, the motivation to be the best, the importance of efficiency and effectiveness. I'm not doing a good job of summarising what the pastor preached, but I guess it must be clear now. Besides, the pastor has also revealed that being active in sports has actually helped his spiritual life because he has become more energetic to do his daily devotion and to be more effective in his work for GOD. GOD must be using this to tell me how unhealthy i've become and how its affecting my walk with Him cos of how lethargic i've become to even devote myself to Him daily. So here it is, i must resume running, to gain a healthy body that will aid me in my devotion and my studies too! ;)
There were many other wonderful and inspirational sermons that i've not written down, but they are not the only reason why i love to go to Westley with baby. Its a great church, the people are nice, warm and friendly, the worship's enjoyable and most of all, i love to worship with mollie by my side, holding hands saying quiet prayers together when the time for corporate prayer comes, praying for each other...this is the most important part. I'm glad my baby grew up in such a wonderful church;) I know our kids will go to sunday school there and we'd be like those parents, having to run after them, trying to keep them quiet during service when sunday school ends. I love you baby.

Mollie cut his hair! He looks even more handsome and youthful then before! And no, i shall not pose the photo here cos it really doesn't do him justice and cos i don't want other girls looking at my mollie. I hate that. And, i'm really proud of my baby cos one of his men said he admires my baby's resilience, when back in the commando days, while the rest was training for the army marathon during the day, he had to make up for his airborne course (which includes him having to fall down on the ground without trying to break his fall. he had to repeat it many times because it was almost instinctive to break the fall. and at the end of the day, his body was aching so badly, in the weirdest places.). After aching and hurting from the airborne course, my baby did not give up on his training for the marathon. Instead, he made up for it at night, by running 70 rounds ard the parade square which totals up to 32km, running late into the night when everyone else was asleep. And for that, i admire my baby too, that he doesn't give up despite facing difficulties and even now, when he's up against the crazy china kias and having alot more on his plate because he has to earn his own keep, he doesn't say things like "i can never be as gd as them", "i will not be able to do well this sem because i have more to do". Instead, he pushes himself even harder, forsaking all play time just so he doesn't have to compromise on study time because of having more tuition. And the one sulking is me, cos it also means less time with me. So horrible me, for not being supportive enough, for throwing tantrums at him when i know its not his fault he has to juggle so much.

Note to self: You really need to buck up and stop thinking that you don't have to push yourself too hard. You have to run the race in such a way that you would obtain the crown. And remember, you are doing this because you owe it to GOD. You owe it to Him for all that He has given to you to succeed.

I NEED TO BE A MOTIVATED STUDENT AND A MORE SUPPORTIVE GIRLFRIEND.

the fear of needing you

2008-04-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

why do i keep feeling the way i do?
why is it that nothing ever seems to satisfy me?
there seems to be to end to how much i want us (not just you, but the wonderlust days we had together...what's wonderlust you might ask? its what we used to be. no, lust isn't a sin, we all need it in our r'ships, so don't lie saying you don't need it. you do, everyone does, you probably need it just as much as i do. no, the 'you' doesn't refer to you now, its the you who's reading this.)
nothing seems to ever be enough. i could have you for 5 whole days, all to myself and yet when the 6th day comes, its all back to square one...i'd just keep thinking why can't it go on and on and never have to end?
and its bad, its really bad, its makes me need you so much more than i ever should, makes me need you too much that it becomes so wrong.
you will be here, always, just like how you've always been. you've never left, not even when i've asked you to leave or push you away.
yet sometimes, the fear isn't of you not being here, but me, that i would go or leave, without a sign. you will hurt and i would too, cos it means i'm without you. and it scares me cos like i said, you have always been here. what would i do without you?
this insatiable desire for you, it drives me up the wall, makes me so useless, so unaccomplished. i drift around when you're not with me. my heart is with you, my mind is nowhere.
this i've written, it is beyond me.
what you've made me feel, its beyond you, beyond what you did and wanted to do to me.
i wish life was all abt loving you, that everything unimportant (like school and exams) would cease to exist.

i wish i could have you all to myself, always and yet i wish too, that i wouldn't need you so much that it stifles you. i am weak and so are we.

Relief

2008-04-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

FINALLY..all the freaking essay deadlines are OVER. Ok, except for the essay i've yet to submit onto Turn It In...its the bane of all arts students, seriously. Well, maybe its just me, my paranoid self. Just keep thinking what if i so coincidentally mention the same thing as another person has and i'm aware and i get penalised for it? Plagarism could get me out of school...so it scares me. Argh. I had it. When i heard we had to turn it in, my stomach just churned and my heart felt weak. No, i'm not exaggerating, its true. I don't know why but it scares me so much. Oh well. It'll be over soon. At least the most painful part, which was writing the 10page essay on the journal articles (which took me ages to find), is officially OVER. No more essays for now...just SPSS (which the stats boyfriend has volunteered to help me with 'cos he thinks its easy peasy. haha.) and the GEK project which should be easy cos we've got all the info. Oh, and i must thank Tiny for his constructive comments abt the study in the journal article, abt the sample size and blah blah blah...i'm so lucky to have a stats major as my boyfriend! and a clever clever one at that!; Heh, i feel relieved, so so very relieved. Imagine having 3 huge essays (ten pages for each) to find info on, think of theories to use and write. Its no mean feat i can tell you. I'm really really glad its all over. Time to concentrate on the exams now (its only 27 days away). I wanna CAP 4.5. I want, i want.

Some songs remind me of the times where my love for tiny was one-sided and kinda saddening. They remind me of how much i use to pine for him. But its not so much of the pain, its more of the excitement i get, everytime we decide to meet up. And of course, times where we talked on msn, rarely on the phone and the best part: times where i get to secretly gaze at him. I miss those feelings, those secret, sweet feelings. Those undescribable feelings i get when i pry open the envelope of the letters he wrote to me, when i meet him to pass him cookies, when he gives me a whole tumbler full of food to encourage me for my exams. Its hard to say just when i fell for him cos its over time i guess. Not that i'm missing the times where he wasn't in love with me yet, its just i like looking back at how we got together. Its sweet, its so sweet. From friends, close friends for 5 whole, to a little couple. Haha. Ok, tiny's back n i'm gonna baby him now! I love my baby mon! ;)

You're the only one.

2008-03-14T03:51:00.000-07:00

I went shopping ALONE!! Haha, its so much fun, so liberating. I bought everything that i wanted (except those that had no sizes). Was just a sudden impulse to go shopping and i went all the way from jurong east to far east...both east but both so far apart eh. Haha! Got 2 dresses and a black cardigan which i've always wanted cos it goes with almost everything! Wanted to take some photos but i just washed them so i could wear them soon. Just really happy and satisfied with my buys! I love max and more (2 dresses are from there). But i think the reason why they're selling everything so cheap (most expensive item is $15 i think, i don't know how much the mannequin costs though.) must be cos they're closing down or something. There were more stuff to buy there, just that i wouldn't really wear them to school cos it either looks too formal or party-ish. So i only got those i could picture myself wearing to sch.
I shouldn't say this but its really so amusing. This is the first time (hopefully the last time) i stepped into Orchard Road without bathing before i left the the house (tiny's ah ma's hse really). Hahaha! Went shopping in the clothes i wore the day before, without bathing, just washed my face and brushed my teeth. I am so brave! Haha!
Anyways, i should really get down to work now and stop thinking about my fantastic buys.
Just wanna say...thank you tiny mon, for taking such great care of me the past few days. Rubbing oilment on my flabby tummy, lending me your shoulder to cry and wipe my snort on, hugging me to sleep, waking up at night to make sure i wasn't feeling too cold, feeding me with food...you're my warmy fuzzy wuzzy! ;) Monnie, you know i love to see on your notes, on the leg of the shelf in the tiny rm you sleep in, with my name scribbled on them. You're thinking of me all the time too. I love you tiny-baboo mon. Hope you'd get pleasantly surprised with the mini feast waiting for you back in jurong!

Kate Spadic

2008-03-07T18:53:00.000-08:00

A very unexpected surprise gift...

My very first Kate Spade item...

And it came in a really nice, simple box (its in one of favour colours as well.) Aaa, green and white goes so well together (except for the AHS p.e. uniform that is)!

And below is the gift! A small and compact wristlet. Enough to put my wallet and mobile. And its simple enough for me. A great start to my Kate Spade collection (when i get my very 1st pay check, i'd buy myself a nice Kate Spade bag.). I LOVE their designs, their colours (so bright and cheery!). Everything is sooo unique! Besides, i think its the most un-ah lian high end brand (unlike LV, Chanel (my brother's gonna be working there;( ), Prada (that's super auntie la!)) Kate Spade exudes youth, exuberance and..ok...i'm not making much sense and i sound too much like a Kate Spade embassodor. I just really like their stuff, that's all. Its the only brand i won't mind paying a high price for 'cos i think the design and material is really worth it.
Here's the inside of the wristlet! Small gold polka dots on a red background. My photo taking skills are really bad, so its true beauty is not reflected here.

And of course, the most special thing? Its from mummy dearest. It must be her way of telling me i'm all grown up now, a young woman. Haha, that's why she stopped buying me kiddy wallets and all. Its like a mother and daughter thing, isn't it? Buying her a branded bag when she's old enough to carry it. I will do the same when my daughter turns 20! Haha. Still a long way ahead.

Thank you mummy, for the wonderful gift. Don't think i'm gonna use it soon. Scared i'd dirty it. Shall just admire it in its pretty green box and when i do use it, i'd make sure i'd go to great extents to keep it clean! ;)

random +menotti

2008-03-01T01:18:00.000-08:00

i just finished writing, footnoting and bibliographing my 16 page essay which i have been working on for the past 4 days (not inclusive of the day i went to find the books and sources).

i am craving for potato chips. the nice, crispy, thin and not too oily or salty kind. my mum got tis lemon and black pepper potato chips fried in sunflower oil...tastes so good and makes me feel so good eating it.

i wanna eat eighteen chef's baked pasta set and seafood aglio olio.

i have survived the whole Sat. morning and afternoon...all the way to 5.30pm (which is now), on a piece of bread and 2 small chwee kueh.

i wanna go use my topshop gift cards but have absolutely no time (maybe i could reward myself after the psy. test on mon) to.

i am finally saving some money and i hope it lasts. the part time job which only involves filing (but imagine having to file and arrange 10,000pages of important documents...quite a feat i must say) starts in mid march, that means more income but i was too shy and afraid to ask what the pay was like-_-

i want that white bag from tamp. zinc and the shiny shoes from charles and keith and i hope mummy would get them for my birthday when her paycheck comes.
i am hoping to start on my deviance and family assignment early and to ask dear dear to teach me SPSS for my social research mod.

i don't need to find a job during my 3 mths break cos the part time job requires me to work more frequently during the hols. my boss is nice...she doesn't wanna take up my sch time. just hoping it will pay me well.

the first thing i'd do when the break comes, is to make bagels. i'm crazy over them.
what's for dinner? my tummy's rumbling.

i love and adore my tiny. and i hate girls who look at him seductively (actually no one really does that, except me.)

i haven't seen tiny for 1 and a half day. its record breaking since we've been seeing each other every other day (except for when he does for reservist, which is looming near.)

i tink my mods tis sem are all interesting and i'm expecting myself to do better this sem. (although deviance seems a little daunting with all its theories and what not.)

i have yet to try the hakka yong tau foo that pee has been raving on abt.

i like to sit in my cousin Kimchi's bright yellow, egg-yolk like Chevy. i like to lie down at the back seat and look up at the night sky from there. her car doesn't make me car-sick. maybe cos its spacious.

i don't feel so useless after hearing how Kimchi's friend who got a 1st class honours in soci is now working as a civil servant in MFA (Ministry of Foreign Affairs). which means i need to get my first class honours. and it should be easy cos i'm liking what i'm studying.

i am fortunate enough to study what i enjoy and find interesting.

i had a great dinner and fantastic company last night. Kimchi and Cheng Teng (i gave my beloved cousins these food names randomly.) gave me my belated birthday dinner at a really posh Italian restaurant in Raffles City. its called Menotti and its located at quite an ulu and hard-to-find corner of the shopping mall. they had many wines on display, bright gelatos in the fridge and enticing desserts at one corner. the menu was really thick and i couldn't stop looking at it and i wanted to bring it home. they sold eggs florentine!! but its too pricey. $14. Kimchi and moi ordered the set dinner which came with appetiser (i took crabcakes, which were delicious and Kimchi took the plain and not so interesting mozzarella and tomato with basil..screams italian all over.), soup (FANTASTIC. cream of spinach with mushroom. the spinach smell and taste was just nice and the texture of the yummy, chunky mushrooms complemented the soup so well. it wasn't too creamy for me;), main course (i had veal with mashed potato, drizzled with tangy brown sauce and topped with mushrooms while Kimchi had seafood linguini in spicy tomato sauce. tasted so good. and the seafood was FRESH. the veal tasted like tender pork chop even though the goodlooking waiter told me its beef. my main course was ok.) AND dessert. That's the whole point...

My dessert named...Soffia (haha, sounds so girly). Warm dark chocolate cake with chocolate chip ice cream. DECADENCE.
My Soffia...half eaten. With the warm chocolate oozing out. Its really good, you've got to try it for yourself.
Cheng teng's dessert that got the 3 of us racking our brains over what Jamie Oliver calls orange peel...and after much brain activity, Kimchi's lightbulb lit..."Orange zest". He puts it in all of his dishes apparently. I think it'll taste great with salad but i'm not a fan of orange zest so i didn't really like this dessert.
OOooo...the gelato...chocolate chip mint and hazelnut flavours. Go so well together.

Our set dinners came with wine mixed with either strawberry or peach puree. I drank mine cos it tasted so gassy (i like gassy stuff)....until i went red.

ok...got to rush out for dinner so this is it.

don't salivate too much.

24th feb and the lovely days with Tiny

2008-02-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

MY BIRTHDAY!! Ok, there are some pics in which i tink i look totally UGLY in (you can find them all on facebook so i shan't give them anymore attention than they deserve!) so i shall not post them here. And dear! I realised we don't have ANY nice pics together!! Not even the ones at the LOVE sign! What a pity. Oh well...but the pictures can wait cos the presents are just...so so sweet. Really. The bobos and pee got me what i wanted...plus a water dispenser which i've always wanted (kinda forgot abt it until yun told me when they gave it to me) and of course pee's second part of the present which i've yet to receive but am very looking forward to;) We had a great lunch at Fish n Co@ glasshouse (i finally got to go there! Have always loved the food at Fish and Co. The place has a great ambience and i tink it'll be even nicer there when night comes! I love the stairs adorned with big blooming flowers! And the pictures we took! Hmm, dear, but i still prefer the meal we had at IMM, got the really delicious salad and clam chowder!), shared a seafood platter with my tiny and hwei and alybo had some too...the fries was really great tasting and i came with a hungry tummy so everything tasted great! The mussels, the fried calamari (i didn't know you could ask for fried calamari which tastes sooooo much better than the grilled one! ) I LOVE SEAFOOD!!!! And of course, we had drinks...tiny and moi had a sharkie freeze which we couldn't finish despite our efforts (it was refreshing and i like the way it comes in a really huge glass!), pee had a lime coke (which tasted awesome! Sourish with the gassy omph of Coke! I love that!) and alybo had borin o'lime juice which i didn't even dare to try. Haha.Oh, i'm supposed to talk abt the presents!
Yea, so the presents...other than those i got from the bobos and pees, the next sweetest thing was yet another Topshop voucher from my eldest bro and my soon-to-be-sister-in-law. Well, its really NOT abt the voucher itself (its so thoughtful and heartwarming i'm a little hesitant to even use it) but more of it as a gift from my brother. We don't talk at all at home, i haven't given him anything for his recent birthdays (the only one which i did and can still remember is the food hamper which i made for him back when i was in pri. sch., using the cute green froggy pail. Really wanted to surprise him den.) and the last present he gave me was a talking pikachu back in pri. sch. too...so you get the picture? Its a really touching gesture. So i guess he really loves me, cares for me and that he still treats me like his little sis, despite us not exchanging any words. Oh yes, and after so much nagging from me and my mom (yes, i'm very very thick-skinned in front of my 2nd bro.), he FINALLY got me something. A really cute, cool and spacious notebook wrapped in cushion like material and a little pouch, all in a nice little giftbox. He thinks i'm still 14 leh!!!! Hahaha!!! And chinggy's present...a cute little girly drawer which me and hwei didn't know how to use, when we we saw it for the 1st time! It came with a sparkling rhinestone bracelet, similar to the one i was wearing! So chinggy, u really do know my taste! Haha! Thanks again! Tiny's nice mum gave me an angbao too! ;)
So thanks everyone for the many sweet gifts and for all the birthday msgs! You made me a really happy birthday girl on the 24th of Feb. ;)

Tiny, i can't stop thinking about the wonderful night we had on monday. Cooked soba for your family, you rode a bike with me behind, holding you so tightly. And we went to places on your bike, chasing the wind, smelling the night breeze. It was so beautiful. You cycled to the reservoir and back and we played football at your void deck. I wouldn't mind riding behind you all the time but i guess you'd be really tired cos i'm not exactly very light. Haha! But really, its yet another of my dream come true to have my lover riding a bicycle with me sitting behind, holding tightly onto him. And dear, you were so sweet, keep asking me if i was feeling comfortable. We had such a romantic night out together.
Baby, i'm sorry, sorry for the painful and needless quarrels we had the past few days. Sorry for doubting you, for being so impatient with you, for misunderstanding you and what you said, for not being loving towards you, for so much. But i still want to go thru' all of life's ups and downs with you, holding tightly onto you for support, strength and courage.

I just want to be there when we're caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh, not cry
I just want to feel you when the night puts on its cloak
I'm lost for words don't tell me...
'Cause all i can say, i love you till the end.

The Birthday Girl's many wishes...

2008-01-27T01:43:00.000-08:00

Bobo allie, here's your perfect guide to planning my birthday/preparing for it! And in view of the many occasions before my day comes (Valentine's, CNY...), i shall save you bobos and pees and all...the trouble and frustration of racking your brains over what to get me (say i'm nice girl!;) and how to celebrate it. My day falls on a Sunday so it will be church first, then perhaps later we could lunch in town with all the bobos and pees and all...(ahaha, i'm liking this term)...erm, dinner with my monnie...is that ok with you guys? Had wanted to celebrate it a few days earlier but i guess this is a better plan! Tell me if you guys are ok with it on the rantboard at the side of my blog ya?
And now...the gifts...hahaha, its like i'm so full of myself but i must convince myself its for the better of your brains and pockets (now now, i love you bobos, pees and all so much, i don't want you all to waste your $ or brain juices over things that i might not have a use for...its much better if you guys got me something i want or need right?? say yes!) and of course, for the ultimate joy of having the birthday girl's wishes all fulfilled! So here goes the long long list, not in order of preference, just rAnDoM...

Yes yes, i love to shop and i need many many new clothes since it has become so hard to step out of the house to go to sch almost everyday (hmm...or do i just need to lose some fats and gain more self confidence? Oh well...), so clothes vouchers could do (since you guys are soooooooooo afraid of picky-icky me not liking your choice of clothes)...from Topshop. Man, i've always wanted to spend so much at Topshop cos of all the nice clothes but my pocket's small, like me..sigh...you could help to fulfil this tiny dream of mine...

A bubble chair!! You know the kind you inflate them by blowing it up and its kinda transparent? I want a pink one! Used to have one of those in the old house but my dad threw it away. I love to sit on those chairs and read my books and drink a cold drink. But its hard to find it nowadays, right? Its just like the bubble tea craze.

Food vouchers! Haha, den i can go eat all the mudpies, crepes, soft shell crab, pizza, stir fry veggies, pasta and so much more at nydc, village, etc. Haha, i'm kidding la, DON'T buy me this unless you really hate me and want me to put on more fats or you're just jealous of my sexy thing! HAHAHA!

Many many packets of green tea soba noodles! Then i can eat soba everyday! Yay! With the nicely pan fried sesame seeds and tasty dipping sauce! Woohoo!

This is a short list and its more than enough. Haha, and don't worry abt the surprise element cos its all up to your imagination to think them out and you've got so many choices to choose from ad besides, i wouldn't know what the bobos would give or the pees or the monnies would give. Haha. But to tell you the truth..i would really really love to buy many many dresses, tops and a nice pair of jeans...So there, its a great hint! ;)

I can't wait for all the occasions to come flooding in and of course, the 3 months long hols! Whooo!!! But that means crossing the exams barrier first. Have a filling CNY (eat all you can and don't care so much abt the fats first la. It comes only once a yr!)! Only a week or so left to it!

Oh.. and a joke...may have told some of you already but its really a classic, an Ng's classic...
Mum, Dad and me went to Isetan a week ago and i wanted to buy some undergarments...so we were walking towards that section and daddy stopped me and took something out from his pocket and told me..."Take this with you! You can use it to measure your size!!"

And in his hand, he held out to me....
AN IKEA MEASURING TAPE!!!!

So now you see, an ikea measuring tape has many other profound uses that you ignorant people are unaware of. Kudos to my one-of-a-kind dad for coming up with something like that.

Confessions of an undeserving girlfriend

2008-01-20T08:10:00.000-08:00

Baby, you know that time with you just never seems to be enough. And its true, its so easy for you to come and yet when you have to leave, it gets so hard...I can never ever get enough of you. On the way back home just now, i made a promise to myself (and to you too, baby)...i don't want us to quarrel so often anymore, i don't wanna lose my temper at you so easily, for the slightest thing. I've probably said this alot more times before and it never came to pass but it really struck me just now, how much more enjoyable our time together would be if i could put down my pride and submit to you and even if it means things that used to be so important to me (before you came), my beliefs, my values (my extreme feministic tendencies) have to take a second place to you. And no, its not like you're an MCP or what, its really just me, my stubborn nature and my being headstrong. Yes, we're both very stubborn but you, you've been so forgiving and patient towards me, giving in to me most of the time and i just keep taking. It only scares me when i start to think abt my life without you, if you'd just walk out of it one day (though you keep assuring me you wouldn't)...but why won't this fear stay with me when i get mad at you? We need to pray don't we? We need to pray alot more than we do now. We need to not just thank GOD for bringing us together but we need His blessings to be upon us, His peace to be in my heart and His love in yours. We need Him to be in us and with us.
And i'd stop reading about stuff that'll upset me; i'd stop comparing or doubting myself and i'd believe that you love me for what GOD made me to be. But the friends part, i can't promise you anything baby, 'cos it just seems so impossible, really.
This doesn't mean we won't quarrel anymore, it means we'd quarrel less, i promise you.

Like You'll Never See Me Again by Alicia Keys

If I had no more time
No more time left to be here
Would you cherish what we had?
Was it everything that you were looking for?
If I couldn't feel your touch
And no longer were you with me
I'd be wishing you were here
To be everything that I'd be looking for
I don't wanna forget the present is a gift
And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me
'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed

So every time you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
Every time you touch me
Touch me like this is the last time
Promise that you'll love me
Love me like you'll never see me again

How many really know what love is?
Millions never will
Do you know until you lose it
That it's everything that we are looking for
When I wake up in the morning
You're beside me
I'm so thankful that I found
Everything that I been looking for

I don't know what's the title.

2008-01-11T17:35:00.000-08:00

My desktop looks so clean now! After clearing last sem's notes on it...i feel good looking at less icons on the screen! Haha. A brand new start to a brand new sem. No more 3 days week but a slacker 4 day week (only got 2 lessons on Thurs which means i end sch at 10am...Hahaha!) which also means more time in sch which i would hopefully put into very good use by mugging in the library. Yes yun, i only got the most boring and uninspiring resolution this year...and that's pushing my CAP up to 4 or above. So stop laughing at me ok! Haha, i'm not like some people who say they'd do very badly and still get a CAP of 4 eh;P

On a more delightful and tantalising note...i'm here to blog about FOOD...the biggest love other than my silly monny. So here goes...a list of my favourites, not in order of merit though. No pictures included 'cos i shan't tempt you guys too much and oh...a picture speaks of a thousand inches added to the waistline...HAHAHA!

MacDonald's double cheeseburger
I love its meaty, salty taste. A nice double cheese would have its patties (this is what its called, lim shiyun!) grilled till juicy and tender and its meat juices still kept within. Sometimes, (if you're unlucky enough), you would get burgers that have been on the shelf for too long and the patties get hard and dry. Oh, the sauce makes a difference too. It complements the taste of the meat. Coupled with the nicely browned buns and melted cheese that's oozing out of the patties and some not-too-sour pickles...you get a high immediately. It satisfies me everytime. It the best burger at Mac!!

Starbuck's hot chocolate
I can't drink coffee and i love chocolates. Bad hot chocolate tastes like milo (i can't stand being cheated like this.) and one taste tells it all. I didn't know Starbucks served such nice hot chocolate until my cousin told me and brought me to try it. And my, its was mindblowingly chocolatey and delicious!

Steamboat
I love to see my food cooked right before my eyes and that's just what steamboat promises. Tasty chicken broth (not the fake msg kind la please, that's worst than sub standard ok.), fresh variety of seafood (must have: prawns, batang fish, thinly sliced pork and beef or chicken, pacific clams, SOTONG, veggies, pan fried yam and fishballs!) and a nice sour chili sauce that's not too spicy. A Chinese New Year reunion dinner would not be complete without a steamboat. Thankfully daddy's not doing away with this or it'll be a bad start to my CNY. Eating steamboat outside proves to be less of a hassle since you don't have to wash up or prepare anything but you've sometimes got to settle for sub standard soup or ingredients. Still, there are places that serve a justly good steamboat...places like COCA (its pricey though) and the steamboat stall at Makansutra (Happy pot). Hmm...i wanna try that Hokkaido steamboat at Paradiz leh. Looks so nice 'cos they have crabs and you've got an entire pot to yourself.

Oyster omelette and chicken wings
This screams 85 market through and through. Haha! The carrot cake there is fantastic too! I prefer the white one to the black.

This is getting tiring!! I need to go for a run to get rid of those ugly love handles. How should i feel when my boyfriend tells me i'm chubby? What a nice and honest boy he is. Hahaha! If only i was tall enough, then fats wouldn't make me look so stumpy. I don't wanna look fat beside my perpetually skinny boyfriend! (because he's sooo skinny, a small amount of fat added to me would be amplified!! Argh..my fault for loving skinny monkeys.) I must run today, besides, its a good weather day, not too sunny and windy too. I must and i will run.

While eating breakfast with monny today, i saw a a couple (probably in their 60s), having breakfast and not speaking a word to each other throughout the entire meal. Its sad isn't it? And scary too. Been together for so long that they have nothing left to say or talk about. Maybe i'm just thinking too much, after all, no one can be talking all the time. But i just don't want myself to come to this point or rather me and monny. I wanna have something to say to people that i love everyday. I wanna have a reason to communicate with them cos love is about communicating.

And i'm glad God communicates to me. He speaks even when i've gotten too far away from him. He speaks just in the nick of time. Who was to know that sin isn't just all about bad stuff, things that hurt others or things that are against the law...it really isn't just that. Sin is really just loving anything more than God Himself. And yet its so hard not to, so easy to slip into that path. But no, i don't wanna wait till God has to test me by taking away people that i love. And idols, they are not just statues we put on altars but things or people we put in our hearts, above the place that we should be giving God and that scares me 'cos i'm guilty of it and i never thought that i would be.

In Christ alone, i place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory, let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

Innuendo or double entendre?

2007-12-14T05:19:00.000-08:00

"A innuendo is a remark or question, typically disparaging, that works obliquely by allusion. The intention is often to insult or accuse someone in such a way that one's words, taken literally, are innocent. Innuendo can make use of, but is by no means restricted to, double entendre (note that doubles entendres can be unintentional, while innuendo is always intentional)."

I must be really dumb if i didn't know you were referring to me. No, being in love hasn't robbed me of the ability to think and to read between lines, i haven't lost my sanity or the little bit of intelligence i have. You wish i did and i wish i did too, but no, things don't work that way. The cold hard reality hits you like a sharp dart, worst still..u can't even dodge it when it comes right at you 'cos its silent, it invisible...its fatal.

My boyfriend, my boyfriend., my boyfriend...you think its him that the fault lies with, or rather, that because of him, we have lesser time together. Stop being so selfish and think again...is it just me who has extra commitments because i'm soooo unfortunately attached (much your chagrin)? Do you have ALL the free time in the world for me? Are your weekends available for me? Do you not have a part time job that takes time away for your friends (not just me, i'm not as selfish as you)? Do you not have other friends in school whom you meet more often than you meet me? For goodness sake, you could do better, thinking about your own schedule before pushing ALL the blame on me. Have i not tried to find time to meet you despite having to spend time with my other friends, my extended family, my parents...(note that i don't just have a boyfriend. I have an extended network of support and emotional ties as well and it takes effort to keep connected.), on my studies and my boyfriend (he's here to stay. Besides, he doesn't make me spend time away from you, in fact he encourages me to spend more time with you, urges me to do it. He's not as selfish as you put him out to be. Don't blame him or dislike him because of a problem between us. He has nothing to do with this. ).

The most hurtful part...
It has to come to this..just how many times have this happened? Why can't you tell it right to my face instead of going around in circles and INSINUATING things? If there's a problem between us, trash it out face to face and deal with it like how an upright person would, instead of putting it inside you, pretending its all fine and wonderful or that things are gonna stay the same no matter what you say or what i could have done. Problems don't just go away or fade with time...they're meant to be solved. So don't blame me if we don't last...the notion of us could just very well be destroyed by your lovely hands if you just let this go, if you don't admit there's a problem and if you don't wanna talk it out with me, if you're just too timid or sadly, if you don't care that much about us anymore. Why do i always have to end up reading it? This shows something as well doesn't it? That i would take the effort, each and every time i'm on the net, to read abt your life..but for you, everything here's just to mushy for you; you don't wanna noe all that has happened in my life even if its just abt me and my boyfriend; you don't wanna noe abt him even though he's a big part of my life...you just don't have the time or you just simply don't wanna noe abt tis huge part of my life. Aren't you supposed to be happy for me? Won't you gush with happiness over all the sweet things he has done for me? Won't you listen when i tell all abt wat he has done for me and tell me how lucky i am and to be nicer to him, to appreciate him? Why has it come to the point where i can no longer share things between me and him with you or trying so hard not to mention his name or anything abt him for fear that you'd brush me off? Why has it become so tiring to not be able to talk abt everytin that's on my mind when i'm with you? Why can't i shre my joys with you anymore? Why can't you put yourself in my shoes and think for a monent before you put the blame on me and do all that you've done to me? You think its easy juggling you and him and so many other things? If i haven't done well enough, tell me, tell me what exactly it is that you want, tell me and we'd do something abt it. And give me time and you, you should do something abt it as well, or at least realise that you too could do something to help salvage the situation, that you too, have a part to play as well...i'm not just best friends with myself, i'm best friends with you and i hope you feel that way too.

When would you see this? Would you ever see this? Would you even care enough to come here at all?

I still wanna celebrate all my birthdays with you and him, just like we did this year, i still want you to be my bridesmaid when i get married to him, i still want you to be by my side when i'm in labour and for you to be the godmother of my kids, i still wanna go Swensons or the hawker centre outside TJ with you, i still wanna have "Silence is gold" moments with you at the airport, i still want your shoulder to cry on and your listening ear when quarrels happen between me and him. It doesn't matter that much if you don't wanna go out with me and him...i don't need you to and i don't wanna put you in a difficult position. I just need you to accept him and me and that we're together as a couple; i just need you to be really happy for me and to know things haven't changed between us...you're still my bestest best friend..not just for the here and now, but for always. I don't need you for your company(if i need company, i can find it easily mind you. ), i need you for all the you've been to me, for that familiarity in you, that sense of closeness and stability, the feelings we've developed over time, the understanding between us...

Just when have i left you in the lurch? When have i left you all alone just to go meet him? When? You have to tell me. It could be a misunderstanding, it could have been an emergency, it could have been someone else...you need to tell me when exactly it happened. Besides, have you not done that yourself before? Putting your other friends before me, putting your CCA before me back in JC? We each have our own shortcomings and times where we fail each other...so why do keep blaming me for it as if you would never have done that yourself?

It works both ways...it can't always be me trying to talk things out with you if you don't wanna talk abt them. You have to at least open your mouth and tell me what's wrong instead of using INSINUATIONS to hurt me (intentionally or unintentionally, i don't wish to know or care.).

Words are what you make out of them. And you, you made a hurting heart out of them.

My boyfriend's different.

2007-10-29T08:08:00.000-07:00

"dear, b4 you go, look underneath your bed. i made a little wish last nite b4 i slept."

my boyfriend's different...he works for his own keep, he doesn't take $ from his mum if he can help it. he wants to be independent. (and many a times, he just makes me feel so guilty of living off my parents. ) and that's what makes him unique...even when its just a simple pair of shoes that he got for me, it may not be expensive, but he worked for it, he slogged for it, he paid for it with his own hard earned money. when the pair of shoes cost more than 10% of what he earns to feed himself, when he has to juggle the mountain of sch wk, projects and time consuming tuition preparation and me just to earn enough to support himself and yet he has no qualms about spending on me,when he doesn't really have much to spare and yet he wants so badly to get me sometin tat i've wanted and liked alot, the length he would go just to see the smile on my face...that's what makes this so ba-booly sweet.

baby, you just love me so much, sometimes i'm just lost for words. and yes, i could cry over beehoon but tat's only because the bee hoon is a symbol of love and dedication...it shows just how much my lovely boyfriend would go to please me. and it never fails to touch me so deep. its amazing baby. you just give of yourself so freely and innocently. in the name of love. and its all for me.

baby, please rmb that you still have me no matter how hard things are gonna get. i hate to see you going thru so much, fighting so hard to succeed and getting disappointed when sometimes tins just dun go ur way and when you fall ill...my heart breaks..but i'd be stronger. and you know, more than anyone else does, that i will become stronger so that you can lean on me.

because you need me, i'd be stronger.

I LOVE YOU.

My Des-zling jewel

2007-10-24T09:11:00.000-07:00

I don't need sparkling jewels from you.

I just need the sparkle in your eyes when you say you love me.

And the flame from your heart that throbs with love for me.

I don't need gifts from you cos i've already got a dream come true..and that's you.

I love you dearie mon. So much..so ba-booly much. ;)

whoelsebutdes

2007-09-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

I present to you, The hottest, cutest, most handsome, strongest, fittest, BRAIN-EST, loving, caring, generous, faithful, loyal, fillial, thoughtful, altruistic, truthful, upright, honorable, humblest and gentlest man...

MY man. The man i'm gonna marry. The man who's gonna be the father of my kids. My desmond tiny tan. I love you baby.

Thanks for pampering me so much, for making me feel oh so loved every other day.

You're mine and i'm yours. ;)

Kiss me.

2007-09-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

"Kiss Me" by Sixpence None The Richer

Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and
I will wear that dress.

Oh, kiss me
Beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

Kiss me
Down by the broken tree house
Swing me upon its hanging tire
Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat
We'll take the trail marked on your father's map

Oh, kiss me
Beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

Its an old old song...but it came back to me when i was with tiny at the bustop this evening. And i said i'd sing it to you baby. I will. =) Wanna sing to you while you lay in my arms.

Baby, thanks so much for saying i've got a nice voice, saying you love to hear me sing. Thanks so much.

8 months of slacking and now...i'm back to where i started...mugging. And whoever said uni's alot less stressful than JC?! Its a LIE!! So much independent learning, endless readings, boring lectures that really are just an information overload...my aged brain (do i even have one to start with? haha.), my waning confidence. Ha, uni just makes me realise how out of touch i am with the world, how politically apathetic i am (hey, i bet i'm not the only one lor.). Guess its not too late to start. At least socio's fun and not that daunting. Oh wells.

Back to mugging or tiny's gonna nag non stop when he sees this.

Dear, if i score really well for all my mid terms, you have to kiss me 999 times plus do 24 times of hard gay dance for me!! Woohoo! Now that's enough incentive to make me go hit my books now! Wahahahaha!!

Hurt

2007-08-31T10:24:00.000-07:00

that hurting look in your eyes...its still haunting me. what have i done to my tiny baby, what pain have i caused to your very fragile heart? have i forgotten how angry and upset i was to see you hurting over her? and now its me...i'm bringing you pain again when i've told myself i'd never want your heart to ache...not like how she has hurt you.

when will i ever learn that i'm so fortunate to have such a loving, patient and tolerant boyfriend who takes every kind of shit i throw out at you?
all those hurtful words..they weren't meant to be said to you...not even when you've hurt me by pointing out the truth to me...they weren't meant for your ears, for your gentle, loving heart.

i'd never know why...despite all that i've done to you, the endless fights, the ridiculous nonsense and my un-tame-able temper...you still love me as much as ever, you still wanna be there to wipe away my tears...that no matter how i push you away, how ruthlessly i ignored you...you'd still try so hard to pacify me, to get my attention...you're just so willing to put down all your pride and dignity for me...even i don't deserve any of it. and me...all i think abt is myself, my selfish, despicable self.

how could i have done what i did to you?

God, please...help me to learn before its all too late...teach me to love tiny in the way that he deserves to be loved, help me to love and cherish the angel You've so freely gave to me.

Tiny dear, i'm really truly sorry. The fear of losing you just becomes so real now. Don't wanna take it for granted that you'd always be here beside me. Don't ever wanna you for granted...ever again. I love you. And yes, the cold hard truth hurts, but i guess its better to hear it and have time to make amendments before everything just becomes irreversible. Don't know why i couldn't see it this way last night...it would have saved you so much time and a whole lot of heartache.

those hurting eyes, that heartbreaking look...let it be etched in my memory for as long as forever goes.

i love you.

my song for you...

2007-08-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

"Save Me From Myself"

It's not so easy loving me
It gets so complicated
All the things you've gotta be
Everything's changin
But you're the truth
I'm amazed by all your patience
Everything I put you through

When I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waitinwith your open arms to catch me
You're gonna save me from myself from myself, yes
You're gonna save me from myself

My love is tainted by your touch
Cuz some guys have shown me aces
But you've got that royal flush
I know it's crazy everyday
Well tomorrow may be shaky
But you never turn away

Don't ask me why I'm cryin
Cuz when I start to crumble
You know how to keep me smilin
You always save me from myself from myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

I know it's hard, it's hard
But you've broken all my walls
You've been my strength, so strong

And don't ask me why I love you
It's obvious your tenderness
Is what I need to make me
a better woman to myself to myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

Best boyfriend award

2007-07-31T02:43:00.000-07:00

I love you tiny baby.

I love you oh so much.

Thanks for running down so many times to the stupid IT co-op to help me set up the domain, for bearing with my horrible and forever erupting temper, for not losing your temper at me when i rant or scold you for the silliest things, for bearing with my impatience, for overlooking all my flaws.

Thanks for still loving me as deeply and sweetly as you always did, despite having seen the really hideous and contemptuous side of me.

I guess this really is a love of a lifetime.

I'm sure you're one of a kind and that you're the only one for me.

I love you, Mr Desmond Tan Kuan Hwa.

You win the Bestest Boyfriend Award hands down! Haha!

Zoo-badoobee-zoo (part 2)

2007-07-27T09:09:00.000-07:00

Hahaha! Dearie with a dirty toothy grin! Oh well...my baby still looks sooooo adorably cute...even with that little brown dot on his tooth. I licked the chocolate off! Lip smackingly delicious...if you asked me how it tasted. Haha! OOooooOOHHhhh...i could do it all over again and again and again...

Me eating the chocolate poky lor. What else. Sigh...despite my attempts to look cute, pretty, elegant...it failed! Its just not meant to be and i better stick to being me...haha...the gluttony, forever unglam me.
Mummy and baby orang utan!! Don't y'all tink its so sweet how the baby clings on to its mommy? And he/she looks so small and fragile! Oh, mommy has a BIG orange in her mouth. Smells yummy=P
The newest addition to the orang utan family! Utan Des Tiny Tan! Hahaha! Commando utan leh...dun play play or he'd throw his stink bombs at you! (And i warned you...it stinks!! Big time!) Wahahahaha! Salute to Commando Utan Tan!
Hmmm...one of the rarest tigers in the world....the white tiger. Looks very majestic eh...Dear say this tiger's on guard duty cos its prowling. There were 3 of them and they looked HUGE. Wonder what they eat for breakfast...a deer? Raw somemore... *Shivers*. But i still think we should all make an effort to conserve wildlife. I just hate wasting paper lah. OOoohhHHH...this cute little sheep (or is it a goat? Aren't sheeps supposed to be white?) just popped its cute little head out of the gate and licked my hands thinking i've got food for him. Felt so ticklish and nice...dear didn't touch him leh. I think dear's scared, just that he din dare to show it. Hahaha. Should have brought some veggie or fruits along so that poor little cutie wouldn't have starved.

Dearie posing again!! This time as a roo. Looks quite like it eh...dun you think so? Hehehehe.
Tiny tan feeding tiny roo. Dear looks abit apprehensive leh..hahaha...told you he's a scaredy cat le. Still, he's really good at posing eh...
Haha, tink dear looks cuter and more handsome in this photo then the previous one. I like his hair. Like a little carrot top...with specs somemore! Sooooo cute! And tat toothy smile! Saliva inducing lah. Hahaha.

My turn now! Was soooo excited to feed them and i kept eyeing the small roo. Hehe....i'm biased lah...besides...small sized need more food wat. The roos are soooo greedy....kept eyeing my plastic cup filled with goodies. Scratched me somemore. But they are still quite tame and gentle...just a little naughty. Dear, where were you when i was busy feeding them? Hiding in a corner feeling scared of these furry little balls of fun? Haha!
Yet another super unglam shot of me lor. This picture shows you just how well fed and pampered i've become ever since tiny and i got together...look at the thunderous looking arms...argh...and the big, white fat thighs...goodness...little roo must have been staring at me in shock lah. I wish i had arms as skinny as little roo's. Oh well.
I like this one. Just brings out the glutton in me...in a not-so-unglam manner. Finally! And zinger sure tastes good when you haven't had it for a long time. OOOooo...the mash potatoes! I ate two lor...thanks to you darling. Oh...and did you see our very precious little tinnie baby popping out of the paper bag? The cutest thing ever! Haha, i think this shot and the shot above are the most decent pictures taken of me in the entire trip (dear took an RA photo of me lor. LOL.). I don't look that bad lah hor? Btw, we had KFC for Lunner (lunch+dinner=lunner...prof. cher came out with tat=) after we came out of the zoo. A fulfilling day with loads of love, fun and joy....quarrel-free! Guess i finally understood and put into practice what i've always wished i could do. And i'm glad dear realised it. We did it dear. We didn't let the rain dampen our moods...i didn't let my emotions control me. Tiny, i love you. For all the tempers you've tolerated (to date...its almost too much to count.), the mood swings, the trash like treatment...for still standing strongly by me despite all that i've done to you, for keeping me sane and grounded, for the love and pampering, for all that you are to me...a dream come true...i will love and cherish you, i promise. And for you, i'd learn to love myself a little more, to let myself believe that i am indeed beautiful because you said so and you honestly think so. And for all the future trips to the zoo or wherever life may bring us...i will safeguard our love and your heart with a greater amount of patience and understanding.

I love you baby. Really really do. Alot. Thanks yet again. =)

This is to you...all of it.

Zoo-badoobee-zoo (part 1)

2007-07-27T08:31:00.000-07:00

We finally went to the zoo! Zippedy, yippedy yay! Had loads and loads of fun despite the rain and bad weather. My tiny's the bestest ever! The most loving, doting, meticulous and handsome-est boyfriend in the entire universe! Ahahaha...got sooo many pics to upload..and dear...u really look so handsome and cute in all of them.

So here it goes!

Dear dear...buying me my favourite ben and jerry's! We discovered yet another delicious flavour and really...its on par with the mind blowing New York Chocolate Fudge! Its the Cookie Dough and Chocolate Chip flavour...(oops...i forgot the name. Hehehe...you just have to know it tastes GOOD!) Dear, you have to stop pampering me like this...ben and jerry's so often...i'd turn into a barrel very soon. =( But still, its super duper whooper sweet of you to be sooo attentive to my wants. I love you baby.
My little cutie cupcake! Looking so much like a sweet lil' boy goin on his very first excursion to the zoo! Aaahhhh...i'm goin weak in my knees. Dear, i think anyone who carries that backpack will just look freakish...but you...you just make it look sooo nice and cute on you. AND...it kept our 1.5litre of green tea (i must admit its really a worthwhile investment to make. Good decision to buy it honey. Hehehe...think i drank most of it cos i kept goin to the loo. ), our junkies and the very precious strawberry milk. Oh by the way...tis was taken before we entered the zoo and went on our spot-the-animals-in-the-rain trail.
Hahahaha! Dear dear lookin as goofy as ever! My my...u still look so saliva inducingly hot and cute even when u're makin weird faces. I adore you baby.
Ok, that's me pretending to be a stupid pelican...wait...or was it a stork..i can't remember. Anyways, this was taken in the zoo souvenir shop where me and tiny splurged on our very first baby...dearie, let's give him a name soon. He's sleeping soundly on my bed now and he looks so sweet and lovely. Will post up pics of our little baby soon. Hehe...Ok, now stop laughin at this super unglam pose of mine...tiny FORCED me to do tis...boo hoo...
The otters clique! Hahaha! If three's a crowd, i don't know what you would call this man! A clump would be apt. They are cute and they remind me of that really lovey dovey pair of sea otters (or more affectionately known as Mr Otter and Mrs Otter by me and dear.) that held hands (no, flippers) thru' out their entire swim in the lake. Its sooooo sweet...it just melts you.

tiny's post

2007-07-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

my blog has been hijacked!! my blog has been hacked into ... by tiny!!

10 (out of infinite) reasons why tiny loves cher so

cher is very sweet

cher is extremely loving to tiny (well, at least most of the time when she's not angry)

cher is so cute in her own ways (lots of funny noises and faces and actions)

cher cares alot abt tiny, always worrying abt tiny

cher always puts tiny as 1st priority, even ahead of herself, always making tiny feel so touched that tiny cries (she 'd use her last $10 to pay for tiny's cabfare so that he won't reach home so late)

cher's character is similar to tiny's in many many ways (1 stubborn ox and 1 stubborn calf)

arghh.. cannot write anymore le.. cher's scolding me.. gotta stop writing le, otherwise she will notice what i'm doing and rant at me!!! =P

to be continued..

my blog has been hijacked!! my blog has been hacked into ... by tiny!!

2007-07-09T22:02:00.000-07:00

here's a list of things i'd do after my contract ends...(only 3 more days to go! haha...i'm a happy happy, overjoyed girl...happy is an understatement lah..)

btw, the list is not in order of preference...its just totally random...

1.) Go shopping for a laptop. I want HP but dad just keeps insisting on Toshiba. Toshiba lap tops look like elephants and weigh like elephants too! Argh...i dun wanna lug a 3kg, metallic elephant ard leh. HP model looks more sleek...haha...i'm soooo superficial!

2.) Postponed for much too long baking session with the bobos! (eh, i kinda forgot which day we're supposed to bake together eh...enlighten me pls. Lim Shiyun...u betta come read tis entry cos i mentioned your name! Haha! Whee~! Muffins, cupcakes, shepherd's pie, cookies! Woohoo!) We're all going to NUS! How cool is that?

3.) Explore all (ok lah, not all lah...at least those in the east lah...tat's wat tiny says..hehe...gluttony tinnies...) the nice food places mentioned in the ieatishootipost blog!

4.) Go to sentosa with tiny and muster up enough guts, balls (hua, i need some...pass me k? hahaha!), courage to don a two piece swim suit (which i've yet to buy) and attempt to look sexy and seductive in my flabbilicious body...wahahahaha! Tiny dear, u betta assure me i look beautiful or else i'd slap ur silly butt till its red like a baboon! I mean it! Well, not in front of my dad of course or the nagging won't stop.

5.) Beg and plead with tiny to have another stay over at my house...tis time...a longer, more exciting and fulfilling one! We'd help our mums with the housework and cook for them okie?? My mum alr loves you to bits lah. Still buy ben and jerry's for you...i'm so envious. Nxt time ask ur mum buy a dozen mangoes for me k? Wahahaha!

6.) Have a gathering with Hwei, Ching, Ong, Gerald and Wendy before sch starts and we get swirled up in that whirlpool of tests, assignments and all again.

7.) Tiny's birthday...the cross stitch that is like 1/100 completed...hahaha...

8.) NUS medical check up and registration...(ovaries...please dun torture me until after that. please. period please come AFTER i take the test.)

9.) QET-Qualifying English Test. Argh...i really do hope i'd be able to pass this with flying colours. Read more books, read the papers, read everything that is read-able.

10.) Finish reading "Inheritance of Loss" and "Snow" before i buy anymore new books.

11.) Pack and tidy my room...my wardrobe's bursting with clothes...and i don't wear 70% of them cos they're either too kiddy or too...disastrous to be seen in. I need to buy only clothes that i'd wear often, clothes i feel comfy in.

12.) Flea market with my lovely, out of this world cousins! Sell our old clothes to earn money to buy new clothes! Hahaha!

13.) Go shopping for stationaries! Cute and sweet ones so i'd be motivated to study real hard in uni...hahaha! Some weird theory that me and Hwei share.

Well, i'd do just everything i've wanted to do when i was working and didn't have the time to. NO MORE WORK from now on...the next 2 weeks are just for me, me and me. Working 5 different jobs for the past 5 months or so has just made me so appreciative of the time i have left before school starts. It will be quality time. It will.

In the next two weeks, i shall go to sleep with a big smile on my face and wake up with an even bigger smile. I will!

Happy 7months tiny dear! Get back safely from your field camp alright? Love you to bits!

If i could...

2007-07-07T11:18:00.000-07:00

Snow Patrol- Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see I don't know where

Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Pain of A Girl.

2007-06-18T21:44:00.000-07:00

my ovaries are killing me...

my ovaries are killing me...

my ovaries are really killing me...

argh...the pain. nothing but the pain's registering on my my radar. Haha.

LAME CHER.

I want that big cup of hot chocolate from Starbucks. Its the best remedy for menstrual cramp, not some stupid tablet called Pan...na..dodo...haha.

I want a good laugh and i want tiny to make me laugh till my sides hurt.

I want to snuggle up in bed with tiny by my side, singing a lullaby and the raindrops pelting on the window. We'd be safe inside the covers...

Just you and me...

I want to sink my hands into the soft dough, fill the entire kitchen with the sweet smells of baking and be oh-so-pleased with what i've baked.

I want tiny to have lots of cookies in his jar, cookies that tastes so good and are filled with so much love that he tears each time he puts one into his mouth.

I want a picnic with lots of food and sea breeze and a huge chocolate fudge cake.

I want you.

Cher's a really demanding girl and she loves her food (in case you haven't noticed, everything i've said above has something to do with food. Haha...how can i not think abt food when i'm the President of the Gastro. Club? So here's to Hwei and Wendy, its not over yet and our club's still very much alive even though its kinda non-functioning now. Promise you all i'd revive it before sch starts ok?? Yes!! More gorging sessions!!! )!

Fudgy pudgy cher's chocolatey thots...

2007-06-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

Had the urge to blog in while i was bathing in the toilet. Haha...so random. There's just sooooooo much to say!!

Kor just called!! And i talked to him. Poor boy...says the food's bad, can't sleep at night cos of the mozzie net dat doesn't just keep mozzies out but the wind as well. Ha..even asked him if he misses home...but the prideful boy gave me a cool "no". He's been in dere for like less den 3 days and he's already thinking of ways to get out (told mum he wants to go to his grad. ceremony...u really tink so?? he juz wans to get out for awhile lah! that boy!)! Gao keng ok! Hahaha! But I do miss him…miss his presence in the unearthly hours of the morning (my kor’s super nocturnal…can war craft or PSP all the way till 5am in the morning den sleep till 4pm the nxt day. Haha, ma and pa says he sure do guard duty when he goes to army.) when I wake up to pee…miss his sitting in front of the com all day long (at least I don’t come back to an empty house like I do now.)…miss his buying food for greedy me and me stealing his fries or chicken (my kor’s one weirdo who eats his chicken rice without the chicken and his fishball soup without fishballs. Now you know where all the fats went and why he calls me ah pui.)…miss him standing in front of the mirror doing his hair and making me wait aeons just to brush my teeth…miss the bickering and the fights…man I even miss the times where he would pretend to be Darth Vader and scare the daylights out of me. Oh, and of course the times where I would hide his mouse under his bed, pretend to be him on msn and talk nonsense to his friends…arh….kor…I miss you, I so miss you. =( If I said I wasn’t the least bit worried, I’m lying. Tink NS brings pain to the female heart…mums, girlfriends, sisters…sigh…think my heart will just shatter when my Seth goes into the army. I’d be reduced to an embarrassing heap of tears and he’d be so ashamed to acknowledge me as his mummy…oh wells. Thankfully tiny’s out of army. (but the reservist…I hope I’d be sane by the time he comes out and that I won’t go crazy missing him.)

On a brighter and much more happier note…I’ve found something to do with tiny!! Well, it doesn’t really matter who I can do this with…I just wanna do it ASAP!!!!!!

I WANNA GO FINE-DESSERT-ing!! Whee~!

Go bakerzin to eat the dessert tapas, (oh my oh my, there’s crème brulee, ice cream, fondue, soufflés, uber uber nice chocolate and mousse cakes!! Argh!! Come to me, my little sweet darlings.), to Max Brenner chocolate bar (speaks for itself lah…I’ve got a really really weak spot for chocolates. Choc-gasm….hahahahaha!!! ) and drown my sorrows (I’m a happy girl ok, just dat pple always say drown their sorrows in booze but I don’t like booze leh.) in the deep sea of sensuous chocolate and to One Fullerton for the sinful chocolate buffet…I SO NEED TO DO THIS. Know what?? I don’t tink I need to do this with anyone in particular, I can just do it with me, myself and I. Its just too awesome and I’m too weak to resist. Yes, I’d do just that to reward myself after work ends in mid July. Woohoo~!! Got the finances to do it too! =)

BUT…it would mean I’d accumulate much much more fats and flabs…and today, I’ve just found out the most painful news…I’ve grown super unfit….so much so to the extent I can’t even do a sad 10 sit ups at one go (fit cher used to be able to do 30plus in one sitting) or run 3 pathetic rounds without stopping. (again, fit cher used to be able to run 2.4km in 14 mins flat.) Sad isn’t it? Still, I won’t give up. I must run at least twice a week. I don’t wanna become a pudgy, fudgy ah pui again! Noooooo!

Was looking at dear’s friend’s blog…wahaha, they are sooooo funny. Dear’s friends are all so wacky and funny. That day in church, me, dear and his frnd ho, we were singing together and I took my phone out to record the boys…know what ho said?

“People have the right to sing without the presence of recording devices.”…he said it in such a serious tone, I couldn’t help but burst into laughter. Dear did too. Ho’s one funny man I tell you.

Oh, and tiny really looks super cute and handsome in the photos! I love my baby lah! So handsome, skin so flawless, smell so nice, skin so smooth to touch yet dark like men’s skin should be..aaaaaa…I’m going gaga over him. And we’ve got rings!!! Yeppie!!

Dear’s aunt’s really funny eh…his ah ma too. Haha. And I love their dumplings!!! Yum yum!
Can’t wait for the week to end and for next week to come cos dear can come to my house to stay!! (I’ve yet to pop the question to mummy…I hope she says yes or we’d have to end up sleeping in sleazy hotels. Haha!)

Cher cher is a happy tiny’s girl!! Even though she’s fudgy and pudgy, tiny still loves her oh so much. And he says I sing well!! Haha! Dear, whether or not its really true, I’m just glad to hear it from you. (whoah, it rhymes eh!) I love you baby!

I'm the perfect girlfriend for you!!!

2007-06-17T23:41:00.000-07:00

You Are A Professional Girlfriend!

You are the perfect girlfriend - big surprise!
Heaven knows you've had enough practice. That's why you're a total pro.
If there was an Emily Post of girlfriends, it would be you.
You know how to act in every situation ... to make both you and your guy happy.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

I hope your bladder bursts like crazy!

2007-06-14T02:21:00.000-07:00

For once...i shall not be mushy...
For once...i shall not talk abt tiny...
For once...i shall rant and rant and rant and vent all my frustrations and perhaps it will make me feel better...ALOT.

YOU!! You fat piece of balding turd. Like hua said, i bet you're in business management 'cos you so love minding other pple's business. Does it matter so much to you that we frequent the toilet so often? Why? Well, maybe you're just jealous....jealous that we, young girls who have the time in the world to waste cos time really is on our side and not yours (look at ur hideous balding patch. It won't help no matter how hard you try to act metro... u just look like a rice dumpling wrapped up in expensive clothes with the fats bulging out! Break the facade! It won't get you any gay partners and even if it does, it will only bring freaks who are totally as bitchy and ugly as you to stinking bed. Hmm, or perhaps...you're surfing porn, masturbating yourself crazy underneath your table and you're afraid that someone would find out abt your dirty little secret. That's the only source of pleasure from you since you're so desperate and really, no one could EVER (and i mean EVER) like you...much less love you. Eeeks...it just doesn't go...love and you...its like shit and clean.

You'd never understand how it feels to have a full bladder, you'd never have to go to the toilet...cos your bladder's malfunctioning! Hooray! You're just too old and your metabolism too weak...everything that goes in just stays in there and rots. And that's why you're so hideously ugly. You just wait. If i ever become your boss (tat's yet an added reason for me to study really hard and get my first class honours so i can torture these freaks in future! Support me guys!), i tell you, i'd make sure you'd only get to go to the toilet once a day. And everytime you do, you have to write it in a log book. And every minute you spend in the toilet means $100 less in your CPF, so that when you're 55, you'd end up sleeping on the streets!

You ugly thing. You have no bladder and i'm so happy i wrote this!! Lalala!

Contract's extended to mid July...that means no orientation camp, no waking up late... but its ok...it'll keep me occupied until my baby mol's back from his reservist. Oh, that oso means less time for my molie's present. Arh. But for the sake of money, lighter financial burden on molie's shoulders... i will work. Besides, going to uni means higher expenditure. Haha, and Hazel said it would really make up for that big hole in my pocket cos of my lovely Poddie. So ok Hazel, i'd stay on and share the woes together with the rest of the Vista team...for another 2 more weeks only, that is...and after that, all the time is left for my baby mol! Tiny, you heard me...no tuition till start of school...and after your reservist, its just cherie mol, cherie mol and MORE cherie mol!!

Oopsie...said i won't talk abt tiny but i just can't help it lah...haha, sorry dear, i had to put you in the same entry as that freak. I love you baby.

Fellow Vista-iANS, please join me in disliking, showing your contempt towards that bitchy gay outwardly!! Let us unite! Haha. Can't wait for our girls night out tomorrow! Eat, talk, shop, cam whore!!! WOoooOOOHooOOOo!!!! Makes up for all the crap we've been putting up with for the entire week!

^_^

Cher's a very very happy girl cos she got things off her chest and she's gonna have fun tml!
Oh...work's going to be over soon! Its 5.58pm...2 more minutes before i can silence the call master. 1 more minute....packing up now!

Exhausted, frustrated, helpless.

2007-06-08T00:47:00.000-07:00

Life can never be perfect...when you think its perfect, something just has to come crashing down on you. So i guess i just don't deserve to be happy right? And even if i am...it probably wouldn't even last. What am i supposed to be thankful for now? My absolutely trashy, assholic life? Ha. Make me...someone. Make me.

Why is it so damn effing hard to want the very best for people tat you love so much? How can it ever be tat the things i do out of good intentions, end up creating an even bigger mess and a wider gap between me and you? Or is just me? That nothing i do comes out right? That i'm jinxed. That's a damn good explanation if you ask me. I just suck. No doubt about that.

When i couldn't have him, i had you. And now that i've got him, can't i get to keep the both of you? Is that just way too much to ask? First its Yun and now its you. Can i not effing choose? It hurts and it hurts damn bad!

Why did i have to tell him what we talked about? Cos hell, i love you and i love him too. And i don't wanna see you getting hurt by his comments and him getting disliked because of some senseless joke he made. If all he has to do is to keep this in mind and stop saying those things that hurts you, then i should tell him right? And if i just keep my mouth freaking damn shut, nothing wld change right? He'd still say those things, you'd still get hurt and i'd still be feeling perturbed as to why you guys are just not comfortable together. Yes, i know its impossible for you guys to even go out together ever again and that i really should just separate my friends from my love life. But at least let me make some atonements...let me at least try to make things right. And if i could do something about it, why won't you let me? Why? Do you seriously think i'm telling him this to make you feel embarrassed? Do you think i'd do such things to you? Yes, i must admit there were certain things i didn't and shouldn't have told him about you...but bobo...the fact is i love you.. and i'm proud of everyway that you are and that there's nothin about you that i'm, ashamed of...NOTHING. Damn, does it even help? All this crap....i've probably just made things worst wifout even knowing it.

Squeezed between two walls that are closing in on me, i'm slowly suffocating...help me someone...

Why i love tiny oh-so-much...

2007-06-06T20:49:00.000-07:00

I soared above the songbirds
And never heard them sing.
I lived my life in winter,
and then you brought the spring.

Its not that my life only revolves ard my tiny... but he juz fills me... to the brim...and you'd know when you have a boyfriend like him..no! I mean a boyfriend who's almost as loving and meticulous as him...but not quite close to him cos really... my tiny's the bestest ever boyfriend a girl can ever have...and yep...he's very much mine...all mine...he belongs to me so girls out there...don't even think of it!! Unless u want my claws on ur hideous looking faces. My tiny's mine and i'm super possessive over him... no one comes close to my man or else...torture awaits you...

Haha..on a lighter and less evil note...now let me tell you guys why i'm constantly blogging abt tiny dear (hey... the reason why i set up tis blog was to because i love him... so shouldn't tis blog b all abt him?? hahaha...yes yes...i noe my friends.. i still love you too.. and believe me...i'd blog abt u guys more often okays? will really miss the moduslink pals when contract ends and sch starts. I hope we'd still meet up for bitching, crapping, shopping, gorging and cam-whoring sessions!! And if we do see each other on the streets, i hope we'd still we'd still bother to say a hi and give a smile. I love you guys. Thanks for making my work life such an exciting and fruitful one. )...Tiny has done sooooo very much for me... i don't really noe where to start...Hmm...the big pooh pooh jigsaw dat sits in my rm (cos my dad juz simply refuses to drill holes for fear of the ants...hahahaha...no lah...he's just afraid we might spoil the cables or sumthin. Silly, quirky man. )...tiny spent so much time doing it...even enlisted the help of his cute little cousins, grandma and mum...its so big lah. And that very pleasant birthday surprise with allie, yun, roger and us...you have no idea how happy i was to get to celebrate my birthday with my closest pals and you... the food was great, the ambience right, the lighting plus the fireworks (argh...the 3 litebulbs juz left us dere to guard the table and ran off to watch the fireworks... how cld they!) and of course, how cld i forget... that very delicious chocolatey choc fudge cake dat my tiny baked (from scratch mind you! no premixes...he learnt it!! My boy who doesn't really noe how to cook actually went to the trouble of baking a cake for me just cos his cheeky girlfren casually remarked...i'd like you to bake me a cake on my birthday...)...hahaha...looks like an earthquake cake with all the cracks on it...but seriously....it tastes alot better den it looks. Oh...and that lovely valentine's gift tiny so painstakingly made for me...the 99 gold roses made out of ferrero' s wrapper...and i still berated him for eating them wifout me when he was so sick of the chocs but he had to eat it cos he was short of 3 roses. Buying breakfast and delivering it right to my doorstep... springing suprises on me ever so often, coming to family gatherings wif my and getting along so well with my relatives and being so gd with the kids... recently, tiny even wrote a letter to the dean of NUS to ask abt the admissions cos he was soooo worried abt me not being able to go to NUS. Tell me...which boyfriend has ever went to such great lengths for the girl he loves?? Only my tiny!! And i love him so. There's just too many things to list them all out...but i bet i'm already the envy of many many girls *beams with pride*

Tiny dear... thanks for doing so much for me alright? I can't wait to go to the chalet with you, can't wait to spend day and night with you. I love you baby. You're so perfect for me. And i'm absolutely crazy over you.

From cherie mol...

2007-06-04T23:56:00.000-07:00

Your Body is a Wonderland (edited version by Me=P)

We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you

One mile to every inch of
Your skin like chocolate
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue

And if you want love
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland

Something 'bout the way your hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards ME
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

You want love?
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland

Aaa...at long last... i've never felt so sinful yet happy at the same time...its lust...baby i'm lusting for you...hahaha!! This song just speaks volumes of what i feel for you... I want you, i need you...every tiny, handsome, absolutely gorgeous part of you baby...oh...except for that BIG part which i've yet to see (even though i've touched it=P)....oOoOOoOO baby....i'm going crazy. And that call from you...your warm, charming, absolutely wobbly-knees-inducing, SEXY voice...arh...i can never ever get enough of you. Baby, please don't be mad at me for posting tis. I just have to let the whole world know how much i want and need you...and that i'm close to exploding with that burning desire for you. I love my desie mon.

To desie mon!!

天使

2007-06-04T18:23:00.000-07:00

天使

曲:怪兽词:阿信

你就是我的天使
保护著我的天使
从此我再没有忧伤
你就是我的天使
给我快乐的天使
甚至我学会了飞翔

飞过人间的无常
才懂爱才是宝藏
不管世界变得怎么样
只要有你就会是天堂

像孩子依赖著肩膀
像眼泪依赖著脸庞
你就像天使一样
给我依赖给我力量

像诗人依赖著月亮
像海豚依赖海洋
你是天使你是天使
你是我最初和最后的天堂

Dear...this song is for you. Thanks for being my angel. =) This song is in my poddie now!! Hahaha.. Will blog more abt my poddie soon...and the 'trials' i went thru with my baby (once again, thanks dear for wanting to help me change the dock to the adapter).. I love you baby and TINNIES ROCK FOREVER!!! Hahaha.. I'm yours...all yours to have and to hold.

Overflowing love!!

2007-05-24T01:38:00.000-07:00

"Love Song For A Savior" by Jars of Clay

In open fields of wild flowers,

she breathes the air and flies away

She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses

in no simple language

Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens

As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips

Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him

Someday He'll call her and she will come running

and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best

The sermon echoes through the walls

A great salvation through it calls to the people

who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens

As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips

Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him

Someday He'll call us and we will come running

and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Was exploring tiny's mp3 player and i came across this beautiful song...The tune..the lyrics...its awesome...a balm to my soul whose faith is almost waning...Let me fall in love with You all over again...

And for the crazy peeps at the call centre (Baseline's talkin' to me again!! Haha!!)...don't say i never blog abt u guys ok...yah so here's to hua, vera, clever apple, shuzhen, hazel...I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! Haha..having so much fun and laughter at work all becos of u guys...the emails no longer seem so hard to reply (thanks to shuzhen and hazel who patiently tolerates me shooting questions at them for every email that i do.), and my job less boring (with the endless jokes and of course hazel's really educating sex lessons!! Wahahaha!!) ...and what can i say? I LOVE my job (beatrice that DOESN'T mean you can send me MORE mails to do k!! If you do, i'd tear off your clothes and push you to the AN!!! Hahaha!!)!! I get paid to slack (but i do my job too!! Don't malign me for being a slacker k! Haha)...imagine reading blogs, 8 days, listening to MP3 player, surfing the net, blogging, getting a tag board for my blog, chatting with hua hua abt *ahem*, intellectual stuff...wah... the list goes on...Then again, i'm still looking forward to the 29th of July!! End of work and i can FINALLY start on Tiny's Very Important Birthday Present (btw, dat means i must get my IPOD before that eh... den i can go to the StarBucks at One Fullerton and spend the entire day dere doing Tiny's present =) !!

To the call centre maddies...go on being mad, crazy and oh so fun-loving... and i really really hope, wish and pray that hua, vera and me can go NUS together...that we'd all get the precious acceptance letter very very soon. And to tracie...have fun in the US but don't u DARE forget us or we'd make apple cinammon pie out of you!! Do flood my tag board as often as you can dear and update us with your life in the States!! Oh.. .and you had better reject that place in NUS or you'd NEVER be spared of our "SSSSSSSSEEEEEEELLLLLLLLFFFFFFIIIIISSSHHHHHH"!!! nagging!! Haha! Think i'm really going far too cranky already. Oh wells..its just me, shuzhen and hazel left now... But... ITS FRIDAY tml!! Yeppie!! Start of GSS, start of yet another weekend!!! *Squeals in delight"

Lastly..to my sweetheartdespappychachen kuttappen cherie mon... i can't wait to see you!! Love you so so so very very really really really really (imagine me sayin it in the super-cute-cher way) MUCH!! Ahahahaha!! Hug me tight when you see me!

To: My honey bunny!!

2007-05-22T01:47:00.000-07:00

My honey bunny!!

Well, since your girlfren's job is to reply emails, she should be writing u mails as well, shouldn't she? Hmm...this is probably the last lengthy, personally typed email that you sent to your lovelorn girlfren..i bet she feels really neglected but being the really understanding, sweet love she is to you... she'd nv blame you. Just write/type when you're free, she says.
I believe your girlfren's wearing her ugly red dress today, so its great dat u both are not meeting and you won't burst into fits of laughter and give her the you-are-a-fashion-disaster look...Your girlfren's probably really bored at work since her boyfriend's msging her less 'cos he's working (once again, the girlfren understands and does not mind) and she's looking at her red ipod (soon to be hers)...she must have told you she wanted to buy an mp3 player for quite awhile and although she did think abt the cheaper alternative (Creative), she can't help but be tempted by that very pretty red ipod nano that can shipped right to her doorstep for free (that means she can save up on the MRT trip she has to take to the nearest Apple store cos really, the adult fare's getting on her nerves... it saps her of the funds in her bank acct...BIG TIME!) and most of all, it offers FREE engraving!! But buying the ipod means less funds for the annual, most sought after, most excitement-inducing, most SINFUL retail event...the GREAT SINGAPORE SALE!! Oh wells, so should she still get the ipod or save for the upcoming GSS? (its starting this fri., you ignorant fools who don't shop and keep yourselves abreast of such important current affairs!! Shame on you!) And of course, your girlfren has promised you she would save up for your future together.. but then again, a leopard never changes its spots and a shopaholic never changes her spendthrift ways. You could help your girlfren out by making a choice for her...or perhaps just simply by telling her what to do. She listens to you... after all..you're the man in her life, right? And YOU wear the pants in this relationship, don't EVER let your little girl tell you otherwise.
The girlfren's having loads of fun reading 8 days at work, looking at mp3 players all day long and she gets paid for it! How cool is that? She just has to sit on her comfy chair, kick her shoes ard, reply the occasional emails that come at the speed of less than 20 emails a day which equates out to more than 24 minutes for each email...haha, the mathematical genius of a boyfriend can no longer tease the girlfren for her math cos she can do her sums!! Yay yay!! Oh... and the girlfren's getting a little worried about the NUS acceptance letter that's really taking a tad too long to come... she really desperately, extremely wants... to go to school with her sec ssch mates and of course, going to NUS would mean she'd get to see and be close to her lovely tiny, handsome cupcake almost everyday!!
So please the folks at NUS, don't keep me wallowing in the deep sea of paranoia and worrying... please please please give me the precious letter of acceptance from FASS. I promise i'd study hard... i promise i'd put my brains to gd use and not let the lazy bones in me dictate my actions and thoughts.. i will be good... i promise. Please. Grant my plea and give me a reason to celebrate.
To MY TINY: This was meant to be an email to you... but i don't know how it came to be a blog post. Oops., double cher. Haha. I love you baby. Msg me when you see this alright? Love and miss you oh so much. You're right... i'm greedy.. but only greedy for YOU...every single part of you, love.

Silly+happy+in love Tiny's girl

2007-05-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

Why does everyone keep saying all my entries are so SAD???!! Why??!! Please don't ever...and i mean EVER think that my dearest, cutest, hottest, sweetest boyfriend is the cause of it...its the inexplainable melancholy in me that wrecks my life and reduce the boy i love to tears...its me...the evil cher that comes out to haunt tiny every so often. Someone please do slap me.

Happy little cher...all because of tiny's sweet sweet msgs everyday...

18th May, 2007, my honey bunny, cupcake tiny sms-ed: "hey dream girl, wat are you doing? me very silly leh, can smile just thinking about you."

Dearest, its that silly little boy in you, that innocent look in your eyes that i can never get enough of. And the out-of-the-world stuff that you do...queuing up for donuts for me (and tolerating with losing my temper at you, hurting you), making me breakfast and going to great lengths to make sure i'd get a surprise, paying for everything when we go on dates (haha! I love going on Tinnies Date!!) , the mushy mushy stuff you've got me addicted to...I'm really starting to have greater faith in us. I can finally convince myself that yes, i do deserve tiny and all his love.

I'm so impatient...why won't Saturday come fast??!! I wanna lay in my boyfriend's strong and safe arms, wanna touch his cute and soft face (gdness! His complexion like...impossibly good lah. Arh, i'm so jealous of him and i do hope and pray very very hard that our little tinnies will inherit their father's gd genes and not turn out fat and short like their not-so-pretty mummy with "no waist but broad shoulders" !!!=P) , hug him and squeeze him till i go mad, kiss him till we're both drooling and our lips are sore. HAHAHAHA!! Who dares to say my blog's so sad now? Who?! Tell me!! I'd make a chocolate chip, hot fudge brownie out of you!!

I love you dear. Please don't work so hard. I promise not to shop so much and to buy less clothes ok? Hmm, just $4999?? Hahahaha=P

Love you still

2007-05-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

just when i thought i had her back, that everything was back to normal...you had to ask me a question i didn't have an answer for. so i guess you can't have the best of both worlds...you can't have your cake and eat it too.

loving you to the extent of not needing anything in return...yet it never seems to be enough for you. i couldn't give you an answer and you're thinking i don't love you with my whole heart. why do i have to choose?

hua said it seems i'm focusing on the wrong things...thinking in ways that would make my life a torture. is that why i'm always feeling so insecured? why i'm always thinking if things would have been different if she was in your arms instead of me...

can we still go on like this? will you still love and want a heart that isn't totally yours because it has so many people to love and need? will you?

haven't told you this before... but i'm always so afraid of needing you so much, depending so much on you that someday God will take you away from me, just like He did a few years back. i don't want that, i can't take that. not anymore.

I am thankful.

2007-05-03T02:14:00.000-07:00

I am thankful.

For the wife who says,
It’s hot dogs tonight.
Because she is home with me,
And not out with someone else.

For the husband
Who is on the sofa
Being a couch potato
Because he is home with me
And not out at the bars.

For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes
Because it means he is at home,
Not on the streets

For the taxes I pay
Because it means
I am employed

For the mess to clean up after a party
Because it means I have
Been surrounded by friends

For a lawn that needs mowing,
And windows that need cleaning,
Because it means I have a home.

For the pile of laundry and ironing,
Because it means
I have clothes to wear

For the clothes that fit a little too snug
Because it means
I have enough to eat

For weariness and aching muscles
At the end of the day
Because it means
I am capable of working hard

For the alarm that goes off
In the early morning hours
Because it means I am alive.

For the NUS acceptance letter
That takes ages to arrive
Because it will make me more thankful
That i finally have a place in university
And not to take it for granted that I will get in.

Close

2007-04-25T20:50:00.000-07:00

"Close" by Westlife

Across the miles

It's funny to me

How far you are but now

Near you seem to be

I could talk all night

Just to hear you breathe

I could spend my life

Just living this dream

You're all I'll ever need

You give me strength

You give me hope

You give me someone to love someone to hold

When I'm in your arms

I need you to know

I've never been

I've never been this close

With all the lovers I used to know

I kept my distance

I never let go

But in your arms

I know I'm safe

'Cause I've never been held

And I've never been kissed in this way

You're all I'll ever need

Close enough to see it's true

Close enough to trust in you

Closer now than any words can say

And when, when I'm in your arms,

I need you to know

I've never been

I've never been this close

Tiny, there are so many songs that i wanna listen together with you...Can't wait for your exams to be over. I love you cupcake. Love you so very much!

2007-04-25T00:05:00.000-07:00

Finished my emails, was clearing my inbox when i came across an email you sent to me, titled "to my mei"...

Hmm, is really better now that we are together? Would it have been better if we remained as friends? I can't seem to answer these questions...

For the years i've known you, she's always been a part of you, an intricate part of your life and sometimes, i'd think i'd never know what you both shared...it must have been something really deep. Its like a part of you i'd never knew and perhaps you'd never want me to know 'cos it doesn't concern me. You've loved her for so long, and so deeply...how is ever possible that you can suddenly stop loving her now? You're right... it is much easier for me to believe that you'd love her so much and so deeply but i can never believe that you'd feel the same way about me.

Its not you...its just me...i'm sorry.

2007-04-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

"Don't Say You Love Me" by the Corrs

I've seen this place a thousand times
I've felt this all before
And every time you call
I've waited there as though you might not call at all

I know this face I'm wearing now
I've seen this in my eyes
And though it feels so great,
I'm still afraid
That you'll be leaving anytime

We've done this once and then you closed the door
Don't let me fall again for nothing more
Don't say you love me unless forever
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away

I've caught myself smiling alone
Just thinking of your voice
And dreaming of your touch, is all too much
You know I don't have any choice

Don't say you love me unless forever
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away

We've done this once and then you closed the door
Don't let me fall again for nothing more

Don't say you love me unless forever
Don't tell me you need me, if you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling, I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away

What do you get when you fall in love?
A pin to burst your bubble.

Cupcakes for Tiny...

2007-03-28T22:18:00.000-07:00

I'm soooooooo happy!! Thanks dear, for coming down to my workplace to have lunch with me, for telling me you'd miss me, for letting me go find you tml nite...there's so much i wanna say thank you for. Just like you said, you've never felt so loved before in your life, the same goes for me. You're right too, when you say time passes really fast when we're together. I can never ever get enough of you. Every day spent in love with you just makes me wanna go on like this for eternity. I'd never want this to end.

Dearest, please remember, you've made Cher the happiest girl, the really xing fu girl who goes to sleep with a smile on her face and a glow in her heart. Thank you for loving me...so very much. =)

With All I Am

2007-01-12T18:49:00.000-08:00

With All I Am

Into your hand, i commit again
With all i am, for You Lord
You hold my world
In the palm of Your hand
And i am Yours, forever

Jesus i believe in You
Jesus i belong to You
You're the reason that i live
The reason that i sing
With all i am

I'll walk with You
Wherever you go
Through tears and joy
I'll trust in You
And i will live
In all of Your ways
And Your promises, forever

I will worship
I will worship You

The Best Christmas Gift=)

2006-12-06T23:23:00.000-08:00

This post is gonna be so very mushy, but i don't care. I love my dearest Tiny=)

"I love you"... this is the best gift anyone has ever given to me. Can't stop laughing when i recall how long it took you to say it. That sweet and innocent look in your eyes... its enough to last a lifetime. This is my song for you, the tiny love of my life, my heart of hearts.

When Your Eyes Say It

I love to hear you say that you love me
With words so sweet
And I love the way with just one whisper
You tell me everything
And when you say those words
It's the sweetest thing I've ever heard

But when your eyes say it
That's when I know that it's true
I feel it
I feel the love coming through
I know it
I know that you truly care for me
'Cause it's there to see
When your eyes say it

I love all the ways that you show me
You'll never leave
And the way your kisses, they always convince me
Your feelings run so deep
I love the things you say
And I love the love your touch conveys

But when your eyes say it
That's when I know that it's true
I feel it
I feel the love coming through
I know it
I know that you truly care for me
'Cause it's there to see
When your eyes tell me
I know they're not tellin' lies
They tell me
All that you're feelin' inside
And it sounds so right
When your eyes say it

And the words that say take my breath away
No song ever sounded so sweet
I love every word that they say to me

4 more days... till i get to see my lovely tiny... i miss you, not just a teeny weeny bit but ALOT ALOT...

To Ammu

2006-11-22T17:18:00.000-08:00

Have you ever thought that someone could be so envious of what you had? (though you thought you had lost everything), so envious that I almost hate you. Hovering on the brink of sanity. Was that how you felt? So you saw no qualms in forsaking everything else, to find your Love.Madness.Hope.Infinnate Joy., however deadly it could be. You had nothing to lose, only perhaps two children’s childhood. It didn’t matter so much to you. Only one thing mattered. Your courage, that’s what I so desperately crave for. Your courage to love despite knowing, there was nowhere for you to go, you had nothing, no future. The courage to place all your optimism, all your hopes and dreams on Tomorrow, to link your fate and your future (if you even had one), to Chappu Thamburan. Tomorrrow, are we placing too much hopes on too tiny a future? Will tomorrow ever be? The almost insane courage that drove you to love by night, the man your children loved by day, the courage to believe in the cheap coincidence of these words.

There’s no time to lose
I heard her say
Cash your dreams before
They slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams and you
Will lose your mind

Had you known that what you did would cause a Velutha –shaped hole in the universe, an Ammu-shaped hole in the universe, a Sophie Mol-shaped hole in the universe…and most of all, not death, just the end of living for your precious two egg twin, would you have done what you did? I believe you would. You would still enter a tunnel whose only egress was your annihilation. No doubt about that.

You had someone to put flowers in your hair, you had arms that you felt so safe resting in (when it was the most dangerous place you could be), you had a luminuous man who opened your eyes to a magical world of copper grass spangled with blue butterflies, a man who gave you a kiss that demanded a kiss-back. You lived. And for every tremor of pleasure, you would pay with an equal measure of pain. You had…a man with a brown leaf on his black back that made the monsoons come on time.

You had.

You have been so good to me

2006-09-27T02:21:00.000-07:00

To the Love of my life, the Light of my soul...

You have been so good to me
You have been so good to me
I came here broken
You made me whole
You have been so good
You have been so good
You have been so good to me

You have been so good to me
You have been so good to me
I came here moaning, You gave me joy
You have been so good
You have been so good
You have been so good to me

Lord, how can I thank You, there is just no way
How can I thank You, Lord how could I repay
For Your kindness, for Your tenderness
For Your constant presence here with me

*** You have Been So Good by Paul Baloche

Thank You, Lord, for what You are to me. Thank You for every rainbow after the rain, for every reason to rejoice because You are in my life.

Love-GOD's greatest gift to us.

2006-09-23T04:01:00.000-07:00

1 Corinthians 13: 1-8

If i speak in the tongues of men and of angels,but have not love, i am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, i am nothing. If i give all i possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames but have not love, i gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

The highest order of love...and it comes from You.

2006-09-17T06:19:00.000-07:00

Know i really shouldn't be blogging now, but i have to say this, really have to, 'cos if tomorrow never comes, i have to let you know this today.

And no, not gonna blog abt u today, gonna blog abt someone else, someone who has made me see that sometimes, juz sometimes, that friendship can take the place of love, someone who has given so much of herself to others without even knowing it, someone whose beauty, only those who have experienced her love, will ever know how breath-taking it is.

You have taught me to give, to love, to be humble and most importantly, to be sacrificial. As much as you've said i've been a good friend to you, you've been the same to me, or if not, even more. Thanks for bothering to return my endless calls in the unearthly hours; thanks for putting up with my violent outburst, my "really weird bipolar attitude" towards you and most of all, my ridiculous requests during my birthdays. Haha, i still wanna spend each and every birthdays to come, with you. Be it at Swenson's or the hawker centre opp. TJ, i don't really care. All i want is your company. I've had it for almost 4 years le, but i can never get enough of it. So, really sorry for all those terrible and malicious words. I don't mean them and i hope you would forgive each and every one of my short comings.

Love, you mean alot to me. I know just how much GOD loves me to bless me with an angel like you. If you ever need a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on (alright, stop that crap abt you having to bend so low 'cos i'm so hopelessly short. its the thot that counts k=P haha. ) or simply someone to cook for you, i'm here, always. I'd be there when you walk down the aisle with the man you love; i'd be there when you deliver your 1st baby, i'd be there when you're fretting over your kid's wedding... i wanna be there, to share your joys, your pains, your sorrows. Can't wait to spend yet anothe post prelim celebration with you and aly. I love you guys. I really, really do.

Haha, hope tis entry achieves the same effect as the one you wrote=P There'd be more to come i promise. Thanks for making me see that friendship, is and will always be the highest order of love, of love in its simplest and purest form. Most of all, thanks for loving me.

Things can change in a day...

2006-08-25T07:04:00.000-07:00

Had I known that I was about to enter a tunnel whose only egress was my own annihilation, would i have turned away?

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

Who can tell?

Things can change in a day.

God of Small Things

2006-08-14T06:17:00.000-07:00

Random quotes from the novel God of Small Things...

He left behind a hole in the Universe through which darkness poured like liquid tar. Through which their mother followed without even turning to wave goodbye.

That it really began in the days when the Love Laws were made. The laws that lay down who should be loved, and how.
And how much.

He folded his fear into a perfect rose. He held it out in the palm of his hand. She took it from him and put it in her hair.

Only that Quietness and Emptiness fitted together like stacked spoons.

Love. Madness. Hope. Infinite joy.

let these words speak for themselves. let the god of loss, let the god of small things reign.

Cupcake's birthday

2006-07-22T08:49:00.000-07:00

Its your birthday today. Hope you like the presents i gave you. Wanted to ask you to stay awhile longer, wanted to spend more time with you, but you had to go to your friend's party and i really had no right to ask you to stay. Kept thinkin if i was going overboard with the things i was doing for you, if it was stupid and dumb of me to go on loving you, to go on doing these things for you when i know fully well that its impossible between u. But when i see you smile, when i hear you say that its really sweet, my heart tells me its all worthwhile. I don't need you to say 'I Love You', i only need you to keep smiling, to live each day of your life with joy, to find the love of your life and have many happily-ever-afters with her. Hope you had a wonderful birthday and that it keeps getting betta every year. I love you cupcake, i really really do.

Pain, the beauty of it all.

2006-07-13T05:01:00.000-07:00

' Man, like to cassia, is proved best, being bruised.'

~ Duchess in Duchess of Malfi by John Webster

All the tears i've cried, all the pain i beared, all in the name of love... it'll only serve to galvanise my stand. Don't despise pain or wish for a life without its existence. For without it, our love would never be tested, the depths of it could never be fathomed. Without pain, we could never be where we are today. The pain of loneliness that brought our parents together; the pain we suffered from broken friendships or relations that brought us new friends, new loves; the pain our noble mothers suffered to bring us into this world; the pain that stinged our palms when the cane went down so hard on it(it brought us to where we are now, didn't it?). The pain i felt when ger left, it only made me stronger and perhaps, love others in better ways. Don't make a plaything of the rain. Don't despise the beauty of pain. It makes love sacred, it makes love precious, it makes us...human.

2006-07-11T05:10:00.000-07:00

Thanks for giving me another reason to love you more. Not that i don't already love you enough=) You said today, that you felt really fortunate that you know Ms Cherlynn(that's me=) It really made my day. But that's not what surprised me. You asked me if you could go play lan with your friends. Said you didn't want to break your promise to me yet you really really wanted to go play. Said you promised me that you wouldn't play lan but haha, i really couldn't recall it at all. Still, i was amazed at how you, being a guy, would bother to keep such an insignificant promise you made to me (so insignificant that i, myself has forgotten all about it.). It shows your thoughtfulness, your dedication, your loyalty and so much more. Tell me, just how many guys break their promises to their girlfriends and what more us? You just keep amazing me every day, i feel i could go on loving you this way, never mind if you can't return my feelings. Loving you keeps me sane, loving you makes me a better person, loving you gives my heart yet another reason to beat. For this, i cannot thank you enough.

Did You Ever Love Somebody Like I Love You

2006-06-16T05:49:00.000-07:00

Did you ever love somebody?
So much that the earth moved
Did you ever love somebody?
Even though it hurts to
Did you ever love somebody?
Nothing else your heart could do
Did you ever love somebody?
Who never knew

Did you ever lay your head down
On the shoulder of a good friend
And then had to look away somehow
Had to hide the way you felt for them
Have you ever prayed the day would come
You'd hear them say they feel it too
Did you ever love someone?
Who never knew

I do.
And if you did
Well you know I'd understand
I could, I would
More than anybody can

Did you ever love somebody?
So much that the earth moved
Even though it hurt to
Did you ever love somebody?
Nothing else your heart could do
Did you ever love somebody?
Like I love you
Like I love you
Like I love you

*** Did You Ever Love Somebody by Jessica Simpson

The Princess and the guard

2006-06-11T06:25:00.000-07:00

"Once upon a time, a king threw a huge ball and he invited all the royal families of the other kingdoms to his palace. There was this guard who stood outside the palace to welcome the guests. A princess, who is the most beautiful among all the girls, walked past the guard. He was smitten with her. But they could not be together because of the difference in their social status. So one day, he decided to confess his true feelings to her. But when the princess heard what he had to say, she told him, "I'd marry you if you would stand outside the window of my palace for 100 days.". With much enthusiasm, the guard ran quickly to the princess's window and stood there. One day past, two days past...20 days past, the guard did not a single bit; not even when the bees stung him or when the rain poured down on him; he stayed still. 30 days past...50 days past...90 days past and the guard's body became stiff and dehydrated but he still perservered on. Then came the 99th day...the guard left in silence..."

Why did the guard leave after having waited for so many days? Why couldn't he just wait and perservered on for another day? Because he wanted to stay in love with her this way; because he didn't have the guts to face up to the cruel reality that the princess could go back on her word. If he stayed on another day, she could break his heart and loving her would become so painful for him. So he chose to leave on the last day despite having fought bravely in the name of love for the past 98 days.He wasn't a coward, but a realist and a romantic at the same time. Knowing very well his dreams of love couldn't materialise, he still held on desperately to his dreams...giving up the tinniest chance that they could be together by leaving on the last day.

That's the guard in me that loves you the way i do.

My greatest fear...

2006-06-10T01:06:00.000-07:00

In life, you don't need a lot to make you happy.
In love, you don't need to possess in order to feel joy.

Was watching the korean drama 'Stained Glass' last night. It made me realise what i was really afraid of. To be so possessive of you until my love suffocates you; to love you so much until it becomes a burden to you, something you wish you could get rid of. If my love brings you pain and guilt, I'd rather not love you (perhaps i have to pretend not to.).

Meeting up, writing letters to each other, msging each other every other day, talking on the phone late into the night and the occasional fights even... they've made me the happiest girl and i really couldn't ask for more. Being able to care for you, to cook stuff for you, to remind you to take your meals, to tell you the food you should avoid when you're having tummy ache... these are ways in which i could love you without hurting you.

You once asked me, how can i be happy when the person i like actually loves someone else, how is it possible for me to like you and yet not want to be with you? At that point, I didn't know how to answer you. But now, i do. I can be happy; I can love you and yet not want to be with you simply because the person i love, is you. And because loving you has taught me that love doesn't mean possessing. So when you need to be loved, i'm here. But when you want to love, you're free to go, free to love anyone else you wish to love. Believe me when i say it doesn't hurt me. Believe me when i tell you, you've made me the happiest girl.

I love dogs but i prefer to love others than to be loved.=)

Happily being silly

2006-06-08T18:45:00.000-07:00

So when you turn to hide your eyes
'Cause the movie, it made you cry
That's when i love you
I love you a little more each time....

'Cause here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
'Cause that's when i love you
When nothing you do can change my mind

The more i learn, the more i love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when i love you
When i love you
No matter what

***** That's when I Love You by Aslyn

You probably don't know this, but i mean the entire song when i sent you the lyrics. That's why everytime i heard it, i'd smile 'cos I'd think of you and how easy it is for me to love you, how you have given me the chance to love you despite you not feeling the same way abt me. You love to call me 'silly' and its true. But i'd really like to go on being silly. I'm happy, i really really am.

We talked on the phone for almost 2 hours last night. You said its been awhile since you've talked to anyone on the phone for so long and that we never did talk late into the night before. Awkward silences punctuated with your crazy and funny stories. It wasn't awkward 'cos i was waiting for you to speak. I wanted to know what's on your mind, what's bothering you. It just seems so right for you to be talking and me, listening. You're too lazy to get up from your bed to get a cup of water for yourself but you're the most hard working person in camp, at work 'cos you always do the jobs that nobody wants to do. You love others more than you love yourself and that's one of the reasons why i love you. Wanted to ask you if you still thought abt her, if it still hurts as much as it did before. But i should know better. That's another reason why i love you. 'Cos you still love her after all these years, despite the way she treats you, you never did stop loving her. Yet it hurts to see you upset, hurts to see you struggling to overcome the pain yet failing many times. It hurts. Will you ever be happy? I'd keep praying for that. I wanna see you smile again, i wanna see you being blissfully in love, even if it isn't with me. It doesn't matter so long as i can see you smile. Do you dig?

Why am i writing this? So that one day, when I really have to leave you, there would still be a memory of sorts...of a dream of a love that has yet to come true. So that one day, when i'm selfish enough to tell you just how much i love you and you wanna know just how much it took me to say it...its all here. Right here.

maiden post

2006-06-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

You're only just a dreamboat
Sailing in my head
You swim my secret oceans
Of coral blue and red
Your smell is incense burning
Your touch is silken yet
It reaches through my skin
And moving from within
It clutches at my breast

But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe
Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep

And when I wake from slumber
Your shadow's disappear
Your breath is just a sea mist
Surrounding my body
I'm workin' through the daytime
But when it's time to rest
I'm lying in my bed
Listening to my breath
Falling from the edge
But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams

*** Only When I Sleep by The Corrs

So close and yet so far away... so real and yet so intangible. Is unrequited love really the most painful thing or is it the most sacrificial kind of love? It doesn't matter anymore 'cos what happened today made it very clear. Can't tell everyone juz how much i love you 'cos it'd only bring u pain and worries. Dat's y i need this blog. It'll give me hope, it'll give me a sanctuary, assurance. Dat's all i need to go on loving you. Don't ask for you to love me back, all i really want is for my love to bring you joy, not pain, not guilt, not worries. Dat's y i can't say 'i love you'. 'Cos dat's not what you need. Its not painful at all. Its bittersweet. And i guess dat's how love really tastes like. I'm not silly, i'm juz being brave. I've never been so brave before until i dared to love you.

Really enjoyed listening to you talk abt your childhood today. Sleepwalking, crying when you lost your wallet cos you were so terrified abt how your mum would react... couldn't stop looking into your beautiful and intriguing eyes. I wanted to be there, to be there with you when you crying at the interchange when you had no money to go home, to be there with you the first time you went to the market by yourself, your very 1st taste of freedom, to be there with you at your ORD parade, to be there with you when you cried yourself to sleep at night 'cos you missed her so much. What happened today is enough to let me go on loving you for a long long time. Thanks for giving me the courage. I love you. Always will. Don't ever doubt that.